After Elliot Rodger’s massacre, I deleted my old website because I didn’t want to be associated with him in that time, since we are both mixed-Asian, and although I am suicidal, I am not homicidal. I merely wish to end my life eventually.
For all the readers that may come across this, I have been planning my death for a while. My depression has been long and crippling since I was a teenager, and I have come to the conclusion that my suicide is inevitable. The only reason I managed to make it so long is because I am able to hide my ethnicity and whereby not be affected by racism that would have otherwise killed me. My mother was Asian, and as it is very common for Asian women to suffer from depression, with China being the only country in the world with higher rates of suicide than men, I probably inherited this feature.
My mixed race heritage has a lot to do with my depression. Firstly, my mother was one of those women who hated Asian men and absolutely wanted to marry a white man – since to her, blue eyes and red hair was the ideal, the only form of genes that was worthy of impregnating her. I feel uncomfortable look at those pictures of myself when I was young. As a half-Asian, by default, that means I am inferior in my mother’s own eyes, as a man, and undeserving of even reproducing, since to her, and many other Asian women, I am an inferior, ugly Asian man. Even my own mother said so.
The world is an ugly and inhospitable place. I am very, very tired and no longer wish to live here. The purpose of this website is largely to catalogue my thoughts and perhaps serve as a letter to my family and to nobody in particular if and when I choose to end my life. I am not saying I will end it tomorrow, next week, or next year, but all I know is that my pain is unbearable at times, and at the very worst I really want to die. I feel regretful having deleted my old site but again I do not want to be associated with Elliot Rodger, who wanted to hurt others, when I merely want to end my own life.
I do not plan to die tomorrow. I know for a fact that I will end my life at some point in the future, and that whether or not that is in one year or ten, it will happen, as I am so depressed that I can barely contain my sorrow at times, enough to continue forward into the future. The only reason I do stay alive is for my wife, whom I love very dearly, and she saved me from killing myself at age 25, which I would have done had I not met her. Therefore, my goal in life is to lover her and treat her well.