A New Start

After Elliot Rodger’s massacre, I deleted my old website because I didn’t want to be associated with him in that time, since we are both mixed-Asian, and although I am suicidal, I am not homicidal. I merely wish to end my life eventually.

For all the readers that may come across this, I have been planning my death for a while. My depression has been long and crippling since I was a teenager, and I have come to the conclusion that my suicide is inevitable. The only reason I managed to make it so long is because I am able to hide my ethnicity and whereby not be affected by racism that would have otherwise killed me. My mother was Asian, and as it is very common for Asian women to suffer from depression, with China being the only country in the world with higher rates of suicide than men, I probably inherited this feature.

My mixed race heritage has a lot to do with my depression. Firstly, my mother was one of those women who hated Asian men and absolutely wanted to marry a white man – since to her, blue eyes and red hair was the ideal, the only form of genes that was worthy of impregnating her. I feel uncomfortable look at those pictures of myself when I was young. As a half-Asian, by default, that means I am inferior in my mother’s own eyes, as a man, and undeserving of even reproducing, since to her, and many other Asian women, I am an inferior, ugly Asian man. Even my own mother said so.

The world is an ugly and inhospitable place. I am very, very tired and no longer wish to live here. The purpose of this website is largely to catalogue my thoughts and perhaps serve as a letter to my family and to nobody in particular if and when I choose to end my life. I am not saying I will end it tomorrow, next week, or next year, but all I know is that my pain is unbearable at times, and at the very worst I really want to die. I feel regretful having deleted my old site but again I do not want to be associated with Elliot Rodger, who wanted to hurt others, when I merely want to end my own life.

I do not plan to die tomorrow. I know for a fact that I will end my life at some point in the future, and that whether or not that is in one year or ten, it will happen, as I am so depressed that I can barely contain my sorrow at times, enough to continue forward into the future. The only reason I do stay alive is for my wife, whom I love very dearly, and she saved me from killing myself at age 25, which I would have done had I not met her. Therefore, my goal in life is to lover her and treat her well.

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4 thoughts on “A New Start

  1. The self loathing is strong with this one. Do your parents know you hate them so much, or do you just hide this for the world to see?

    How long until you go out in your blaze of glory?

    Or how long will it take to look back on all of this, and seek help for your depression?

    Everyone hates their parents at some point, but it looks like you are not only going to harm yourself, but will also harm others. If I saw you in real life, I’d 5150 you.

    YOU ARE NOT WELL.

    When you do go on your suicidal gun rampage, try not to kill any bystanders, OK?

    • Nope, sounds like a classic shame tactic to shut down dissenting opinion to the status quo. Default to the authorities to silence thought that you find oppressive – Orwellian, if that.

      Or do you want me to say again, like I have ten times, that I’m non violent?

      My mother is dead and yes, I hate her for the trauma she inflicted on us and on the family. I don’t hate my father but I find it impossible to have a normative relationship with him for obvious reasons that he cannot genuinely understand what it’s like to be a Eurasian; if anything I do forgive him for what he did because for all I know he didn’t know any better, but given the amount of prevalent racism against Asians by whites I can never really be sure what happened in the past. Try reading next time and stop projecting on me.

      Saying I’m “not well” pretty much proves the point the volatile psyche that many Eurasians have. Eurasians have been filling the news with stories of being “not well,” but still, still, people refuse to account for their actions and racism that create these human beings.

      This blog is anti-racist. Racism destroys children. Racist asian women and white men will continue to create monsters unless you confront the issue and stop hiding behind your misogynist and other “-ist” claims that takes all blame off of yourselves.

      Want me to stop writing? I get thousands of hits per day – want me to shut down the blog?

      Then legitimately answer the question how this severe societal hatred of Asian men and the pairings between white males and Asian women can legitimately exist without passing on poisonous psychosis into their own offspring.

      It’s that simple: Answer the question – how is a Eurasian male supposed to take pride in being both Asian and white if and only if the white part belongs to his white father – the representation of domination of the white male over the Asian male?

  2. Life is beautiful. Please take a walk with your wife and hold her hand. When you feel her hand you will know there is a reason to live.

    Some day your child they will see that life is difficult (everyone has there own problems even white males). They will be sad, hurt and feel ugly. However, they too will find love. they will see that life is good.

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