Last week

Last week I was in New York with my wife visiting with some old friends.

My best friend is Korean, I love him dearly. My friends were joking with my other friend’s pregnant wife, talking about whom she would cheat with her husband with. She said that she would with all of us but my Korean friend.

I wish asian women would just be honest; they make up all the excuses about patriarchy and everything else in the world to say about asian men but it’s clear they just find them unattractive. Even my own mother did. How can I live knowing that my mother was hypergamous and decided to sleep with my father for the only reason that he was white? Patriarchal asian men? Of course not; my father is the most patriarchal, racist man on the planet; it’s this type of men that pursue asian women and view them as god’s gift to white men. How are us children supposed to internalize this? How can we both be inferior and superior at the same time? Even our own mothers thought we were inferior; or at least they thought asian men were ugly and inferior; yet I am an asian man.

I want to die. I really am so tired now that I feel my life is empty and meaningless. I no longer go outside and I just sit here waiting for my death. My only concern is my wife who I view fondly and love her dearly but I worry that she only loves me because I am tall and with a white-ish face. Even I cannot win this game. My life is empty and meaningless. I believe that I am deliberately pursuing my own death my living unhealthily, since I cannot put her through the pain of my suicide, at least right now.

I am passing through this world empty and blank. I have no concerns at all; I focus on my designs and my wife. I am already dead. I commit spiritual suicide a long time ago. Last night I experienced chest pains so I am writing this now as a message to people that may read this in case I pass. I have been deliberately leading an unhealthy lifestyle because I want to die. My life is too long and I do not enjoy it. I’m sorry.

I fantasize about shooting myself of killing myself with drugs every day. I’m done. I’m sorry. This world is cruel and at the whims of evolution. I am not a unique person, merely the product of hypergamy and sexual selection at the hands of an asian woman.

Good bye.

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