My life

How does it feel for a man to know that he is, nothing more, the product of female sexual selection and evolution? How does it feel for me to know that one half of me is better than the other? It feels awful. I love my wife so much and at times I don’t ever want to hurt her; but I feel terrible that I am a white face and perhaps this is the reason she loves me. I feel sorry for the men out there who will be alone for their whole lives, rejected by women for something that they cannot control: their race or height. I hate this world. On one hand in the west I could never find a woman to love me as I did here. On the other hand I am foolish to think that my privilege has not helped me secure such a love. I hate my life. Every day is agony for me. I am here only for my wife who I will devote my whole life too. I fantasizes about killing myself today. I figured sleeping pills and alcohol is the best way to do it, and that it will be painless and peaceful, because sleeping is what I love to do. I am at peace when I sleep. Every day is painful for me to make it through and I find refuge in sleep. I feel that I am in hell, caught between worlds, the one of racist white masculinity, which my mother fed into and worshipped, and the world of asian men, where I can easily imagine myself being born with different facial features by pure chance, and presumably spending the rest of my days alone. But at least I am at peace now, knowing that I have the option of suicide. I know that I will have this bed here on which to sleep and die. I see no other joy or point in life. I cannot wait to die. I know this is not normal, but I cannot wait. The day will come when my death is certain and I’ll be happy. Maybe I could have married a woman of another race but I don’t feel the pressing need to regret; why should I regret? Why should I fear my son won’t be viewed as a human being? Why should I feel as if my own child won’t be considered good enough by women who look like him? I do not care anymore. I am too tired. I want to die. Good night.

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