You know something

My whole life I was confused; reader. I tried to be white. I swore I was an I denied my heritage. To say that I was crazy was an understatement. It hurts me very much to know that my mother thought she could be something that she wasn’t. I feel sorry for these men that live their lives perpetually in the shadow of white men. That’s what we are, us mixed race children. Just the result of worship of something that we could never be. My poor father never understood this; he could never understand the dynamics of it. He could never fathom that my mothers intentions were faulty; to him, god is in control. God is clearly not in control. Nature is. These women will fuck any man that turns them on, regardless of the psychological cost to their children. My brother and I were destroyed since the very beginning. Stuck between worlds and unfamiliar with both. I barely passed into the white side. But they would never accept me. Anyways I feel better now that I’ve accepted that I am already dead. I can’t live in this world where the evilness of women dominates. The horror of knowing my mother’s intentions is too much for me. I can only hope the same death on the whores who continue the cycle. I feel nothing anymore. Nothing. I can’t go back to the west. I know the women there are worse, whores to the extreme. I will live out the rest of my days quietly here. I rarely go out anymore. I hate the idea that women look at me because I am a foreigner. They must think that my white side is better than my Chinese side. That is hell on earth. I cannot wait to die. Today I thought of how peaceful it would be to die. It would be rewarding. I have accepted it. I will look to die peacefully in my sleep. I could never hang myself, but maybe take a combination of medications. There are times that I wish I had a heart attack. If anything my dear reader, the idea that I am a walking corpse had rid me of a bit of anxiety. I enjoy entertaining the idea that I’m already dead, which I am. It is liberating. I have had many things. I love, and I love my wife dearly. I love the idea of good people, of the Chinese being good and wonderful people, which a lot of them are. I love china dearly, and I believe she saved my life. Mandarin has a calming effect on my soul. I would love to die here, and have my ashes thrown out into a lake, or anywhere in this country. I owe a lot to this place; it very well postponed my suicide.

Anyways, if you’re reading this, good night.

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4 thoughts on “You know something

  1. I think many Asian American men have felt the same way as you once in their lives. I think that AM are facing an insidious and virulent new form of racism the likes of which the world has never seen. It is literally genocidal. And it is incredibly sneaky. It is the apex of the white man’s racial genocidal arsenal against non white men. The white man has waged a war of genocide on every single non white man in the world. Asian men aren’t exempt. It seeks not the destruction of Asian men through warfare or gas chambers or small-pox laced blankets or killing off buffalo but through what I will call unnatural selection. The creation of images which has a two pronged effect: by crippling Asian men’s spirit, their self-worth and through the creation of negative images in the minds of females including Asian females. I’m sure that this form of racism is completely new to the world and it’s been very effective.

    It’s also a new form of racism without precedent in that I do think you are right in that many Asian females are complicit in this genocide. I am aware of no other instance where the females of a marginalized and heavily discriminated group has sold out so thoroughly and has gone so far in becoming part of the genocidal aggressors against the men and boys of the group. Has this ever happened? I doubt it to this degree.

    However, I see this as a challenge. It is the struggle of our times. By killing yourself you’ll miss out on that great battle with the evil forces in this world. How sad. You would prove yourself incapable and undeserving of fighting a good fight and earning the honor and glory of victory. I am at heart a warrior and I actually enjoy a good fight. Bring it. I will wage war against those genocidal scum and I will defeat them. I will use my words, my energy, my soul to bring a new age if not in my life time in subsequent generations and they will see how disgusting these tactics were and even more disgusting those brainwashed Asian/Chinese pigs who were complicit in such oppression.

    • Nothing can save me now. I’ve made up my mind. If anything you can give more exposure to this and similar blogs so that these women know what they did. My mother already paid the ultimate price but there needs to be more punished

    • I don’t understand these sentiments or the desire to wallow in self pity. Who cares about any of this nonsense? Life is too short and there’s joy out there to be found. Stop this pointless mental masturbation and go find your joy.

  2. Johnny-

    You believe in what anthropologists call ” limited good,” I.e. the idea that there is a set amount of goodness in the universe, and for someone to gain someone else most lose. It’s simply not the case. Your birth did not equal an Asian man’s death.

    It’s true that Asian men are the most marginalized group in the U.S. – so much so that no one will even acknowledge it.

    Yet you are not in the U.S. anymore. You are in China, where Asian men dominate society. You are now part of a dominant, strident, Han nation.

    Don’t kill yourself. Take advantage of it! Raise your son to be a Han nationalist!

    Asian men are not seen as romantically undesirable by women in Asia., unlike how it is for some women in the U.S. ( definitely not all).

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