My whole life I was confused; reader. I tried to be white. I swore I was an I denied my heritage. To say that I was crazy was an understatement. It hurts me very much to know that my mother thought she could be something that she wasn’t. I feel sorry for these men that live their lives perpetually in the shadow of white men. That’s what we are, us mixed race children. Just the result of worship of something that we could never be. My poor father never understood this; he could never understand the dynamics of it. He could never fathom that my mothers intentions were faulty; to him, god is in control. God is clearly not in control. Nature is. These women will fuck any man that turns them on, regardless of the psychological cost to their children. My brother and I were destroyed since the very beginning. Stuck between worlds and unfamiliar with both. I barely passed into the white side. But they would never accept me. Anyways I feel better now that I’ve accepted that I am already dead. I can’t live in this world where the evilness of women dominates. The horror of knowing my mother’s intentions is too much for me. I can only hope the same death on the whores who continue the cycle. I feel nothing anymore. Nothing. I can’t go back to the west. I know the women there are worse, whores to the extreme. I will live out the rest of my days quietly here. I rarely go out anymore. I hate the idea that women look at me because I am a foreigner. They must think that my white side is better than my Chinese side. That is hell on earth. I cannot wait to die. Today I thought of how peaceful it would be to die. It would be rewarding. I have accepted it. I will look to die peacefully in my sleep. I could never hang myself, but maybe take a combination of medications. There are times that I wish I had a heart attack. If anything my dear reader, the idea that I am a walking corpse had rid me of a bit of anxiety. I enjoy entertaining the idea that I’m already dead, which I am. It is liberating. I have had many things. I love, and I love my wife dearly. I love the idea of good people, of the Chinese being good and wonderful people, which a lot of them are. I love china dearly, and I believe she saved my life. Mandarin has a calming effect on my soul. I would love to die here, and have my ashes thrown out into a lake, or anywhere in this country. I owe a lot to this place; it very well postponed my suicide.
Anyways, if you’re reading this, good night.