I know you could never understand. I know you look at everything in the framework of god. But good men do not get rewarded in this world. In fact good men may suffer for a long, long time. I have always been kind, yes, I have bullied a few people, but out of my own internal hell, but I have always treated everyone with respect and kindness, and I can say this firmly that I never looked down on anyone for their race or appearance.
But dad, please try to understand. I cannot help but wonder what my mother wanted in you; especially when it is so common here for women to throw themselves at tall white men for sex. I severely doubt my mother’s intentions were noble in coming onto you; it is so common, but what about asian men, dad? They are ignored and treated as if they are nothing. You cannot understand. You don’t understand the life of a short, asian man, so of course you feel entitled to a god. But the man who sees himself lonely his whole life, desperate for love while sex is given away so cheaply to men just because of how they look… Dad, the majority of asian women are like mama was; they refuse to marry asian men. I cannot help but think that mama’s love was less than pure. I’m sorry. They actually hate asian men – they don’t find them attractive; what can a man believe in if he is too unattractive to even have a family? And it doesn’t matter their intentions, dad, it just means that there are a large portion of men that are deemed unfit to breed. They are excluded from the basic purpose of life…. How can I believe in god knowing this? The majority of asian women are like this, dad, not the minority. As a result I may never experience the same benefits of being tall and blue eyed, and I suffer the shame of knowing my parents were part of this horrible demographic. Dad, what about the short men? Who do they believe in as they are overlooked and practically exterminated?
I am too tired now. I am desperate for death. The pain I feel knowing that I am the result of natural selection in this particular combination is overwhelming. I can barely go outside. I feel a shortness of breath at times, and the pain in my stomach comes and goes. My body is deteriorating as well as my mental state. Do you remember our last dinner? Do you know how much pain I was in?
I love you dearly and I always will. But knowing that my own mother was like this was enough to remove any hope that life has meaning other than that chosen by women. I know it will destroy you if I were to die, but I am in so much agony that I can barely work or function. I just long for eternal sleep. I know it will hurt you to read this, and I hope you never will. I find myself hoping that you pass before me, so that I have the excuse to end my life. Maybe after grandma goes too. My wife might be okay. I promised her to take care of her but I no longer know if I’m in the mental state to do so.
I know you’re disappointed in me for not becoming a doctor, but you surely must understand, that I doubt my self worth, that I see there is little point when the majority of women like mama wanted nothing more but to get away from what she saw as inferior. I hope you can mull over this and try to understand.
I will sleep. Also I don’t know the actual process of writing a will but I have been planning on doing so soon. If this serves any legal purposes I will give half to my wife and half to you and my brother. I hope you can manage it and use it to care for yourself and my brother.
There are good people out there that reach out to me, but I think the damage is already done. I read today that some asian women even encourage their half asian sons die if they cannot come to terms with their mothers decisions. I think this is enough for me. I am touched that strangers reach out to me and I wish I could thank them in person but I am just too far gone. I am 28 now and I am three years past the date that I planned to die originally and my mind is rapidly deteriorating and my physical pain gets worse.
Good night. I love you, I know you always meant well but you could never have really understood. Maybe I made a mistake with my wife but she saved my life. I love her dearly. She saved my life at that time. I’m sorry dad, I really am.