Dear father

I know you could never understand. I know you look at everything in the framework of god. But good men do not get rewarded in this world. In fact good men may suffer for a long, long time. I have always been kind, yes, I have bullied a few people, but out of my own internal hell, but I have always treated everyone with respect and kindness, and I can say this firmly that I never looked down on anyone for their race or appearance.

But dad, please try to understand. I cannot help but wonder what my mother wanted in you; especially when it is so common here for women to throw themselves at tall white men for sex. I severely doubt my mother’s intentions were noble in coming onto you; it is so common, but what about asian men, dad? They are ignored and treated as if they are nothing. You cannot understand. You don’t understand the life of a short, asian man, so of course you feel entitled to a god. But the man who sees himself lonely his whole life, desperate for love while sex is given away so cheaply to men just because of how they look… Dad, the majority of asian women are like mama was; they refuse to marry asian men. I cannot help but think that mama’s love was less than pure. I’m sorry. They actually hate asian men – they don’t find them attractive; what can a man believe in if he is too unattractive to even have a family? And it doesn’t matter their intentions, dad, it just means that there are a large portion of men that are deemed unfit to breed. They are excluded from the basic purpose of life…. How can I believe in god knowing this? The majority of asian women are like this, dad, not the minority. As a result I may never experience the same benefits of being tall and blue eyed, and I suffer the shame of knowing my parents were part of this horrible demographic. Dad, what about the short men? Who do they believe in as they are overlooked and practically exterminated?

I am too tired now. I am desperate for death. The pain I feel knowing that I am the result of natural selection in this particular combination is overwhelming. I can barely go outside. I feel a shortness of breath at times, and the pain in my stomach comes and goes. My body is deteriorating as well as my mental state. Do you remember our last dinner? Do you know how much pain I was in?

I love you dearly and I always will. But knowing that my own mother was like this was enough to remove any hope that life has meaning other than that chosen by women. I know it will destroy you if I were to die, but I am in so much agony that I can barely work or function. I just long for eternal sleep. I know it will hurt you to read this, and I hope you never will. I find myself hoping that you pass before me, so that I have the excuse to end my life. Maybe after grandma goes too. My wife might be okay. I promised her to take care of her but I no longer know if I’m in the mental state to do so.

I know you’re disappointed in me for not becoming a doctor, but you surely must understand, that I doubt my self worth, that I see there is little point when the majority of women like mama wanted nothing more but to get away from what she saw as inferior. I hope you can mull over this and try to understand.

I will sleep. Also I don’t know the actual process of writing a will but I have been planning on doing so soon. If this serves any legal purposes I will give half to my wife and half to you and my brother. I hope you can manage it and use it to care for yourself and my brother.

There are good people out there that reach out to me, but I think the damage is already done. I read today that some asian women even encourage their half asian sons die if they cannot come to terms with their mothers decisions. I think this is enough for me. I am touched that strangers reach out to me and I wish I could thank them in person but I am just too far gone. I am 28 now and I am three years past the date that I planned to die originally and my mind is rapidly deteriorating and my physical pain gets worse.

Good night. I love you, I know you always meant well but you could never have really understood. Maybe I made a mistake with my wife but she saved my life. I love her dearly. She saved my life at that time. I’m sorry dad, I really am.

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2 thoughts on “Dear father

  1. Hello, East Asian male here. I left a message in your old blog but am not sure if you would see it; so I leave another pasted massage here. By the way, what a coincidence: I am also 28, but I’m pure Asian as opposed to your half Asian. Although we may be different physically, I believe we are spiritually alike, so I’d be honored if you consider me a brother-in-arms.

    I immigrated to the U.S. since I was 12, and have been living in the U.S. for over 15 years now, so I am actually halfway between a fop and a 2nd generation Chinese-American. Being fluent in Chinese, Cantonese, Japanese, and English, I can read from both the Asian world and the White world, and my experiences here in the U.S. allows me to relate to your anger and frustration.

    To tell you the truth: I suffered from depression ever since I stepped foot in the U.S., largely because I was a nerd. In one single night, my social status went from being on top of the roof (in Asia) to the bottom (in the U.S.). I was angry and depressed, and my Asian relatives cannot understand; they all pat themselves on the back for bringing me more opportunities to “make money”.

    My pleas fell on deaf ears until I dropped out of college. For years I struggled. I am still a virgin. But apparently, being an Asian men means that (in my case at least) I look a lot younger to white women. Even though I’m now 28, many really hot white women thinks I’m still 20~ish. And I don’t get fat easily! Whereas a lot of white guys my age are all fat and flobby, I still have my four pack if not for my slacking in workouts. And now I’m going back to college, so that gives me a lot of hope that I’m gonna date some really cute girls!

    But before I get to this point, I had to do a lot of soul-searching. Fortunately, I came across Eckhart Tolle. Although he is white, he has learned the essence of Zen Buddhism, one of Asia’s most powerful spiritual traditions. It is a tradition that allows tough, macho samurai men to face perilous conditions and came out victorious. Since picking up Zen Buddhism, I have found my mind sharper, and I have went from being a couch potato that cannot do one pushup to growing over 15 pounds of muscles. The transformation is amazing–I can tell girls look at me a different way now!

    But be warned: This is not going to be a easy path by any means. Tough samurais are tough for a reason, y’know.

    I totally recommend you read his book, “The Power of Now”, as well as Stephen Hayes “Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life”. Stephen Hayes is a professor teaching at the University of Nevada. Apparently, scientists are now re-discovering the potency of our Asian tradition. They even have data that proves that meditation can reshape one’s life!

    To arms, my fellow Asian brother! Go forth and conquer, and rediscover your tradition, which is your birthright!

  2. Dear stranger, I’ve read all your articles in this blog.
    Sadly, I’ve been depressed for a long time too. I think I could understand your painful in a way.
    You are having an inferiority complex, and seems never stop self-denying. Yes, I know, I’ve been there, and still now. (for other reasons, unlike you)
    Your confusion about your mixed race, which is doesn’t even matters to common people like me. I know ton of girls who doesn’t care about appearance, money, races, etc. Those things are BULLSHIT compare with a kindness, tender soul. (And I know you already have it, I can tell from your words.) I bet your wife is one of them lovely girls.
    On one hand, you thought some girls refuse you because your Asian descent, on the other hand you thought the woman who loves you just because you are half white? That doesn’t make sense, and you know this. We love and hate people just because who he/she is…nothing to do with you’re yellow, white, red or black.
    I’m not asking you to live, to be happy, or to put your energy on something more meaningful. I know there must be many people told you so. And words like that don’t help, even hurts more…
    I’m just hoping, what I said could makes you feel better while you’re alive, even if a single second.
    At last, please forgive my broken English. But if you ever need someone to talk, feel free to email me. At least I’m a good listener 🙂

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