My wife is really the only reason I’m alive.
I didn’t think about the reasons why my mother chased my father until I recently. I have always been depressed and suicidal but this is the last straw that will destroy me.
When I came to china I figured I had white privilege but I never thought of asian men as being less, or even different. I knew I had the privilege of just being a good looking young man. I never considered the implications. Because of my narcissistic religious father and whore of a mother I came to believe that I was owed things, and left America because I thought that women there were far too crazy to be worth my time, too slutty and too immoral; combined with my low self esteem and internal confusion I also felt insecure, that I was not good enough for white American girls, or any American girls for that matter. By my own admission for whatever reason before I came here, I identified as white but was on the brink of suicide. The asian inside me made me more conservative than my peers. I wondered why society was taking such a turn for the worst. A career and happiness looked out of reach for me because I realized early on that women were unreliable and did not care about careers, rather only looks, and if they did care about careers their only investment in a man would be for his money.
I took the jump and came here already a spiritually dead man. I met my wife by sheer chance and she was so sweet that she tolerated my great flaws and practically saved my life. The time that I was alone here in Beijing might very well have been terminal for me but she guided me through it.
It was the thought of having a child that mostly perturbed me, knowing that the child would look much more asian than me, and would suffer in ways that I didn’t. I never really experienced anti asian racism except from a few women that said negative things about it, but now the fact that I may have a child makes me question if it is fair to bring him into a world that is so ugly.
My reader, whether you read this now or far into the future, I am not merely looking for attention. Many people claim they will kill themselves merely for attention but hardly do people really ever do it. I have made the final decision already to end my life if it were not for the constant presence of my wife, and I have already killed my soul inside and have prepared myself mentally for death. To be honest I would have little hesitation when the time comes to end it, as I have really nothing to live for. No career, no passions but my art, only my wife. Sometimes I wish that she could be free and find a good Chinese man to marry just so I can be free to kill myself.
My father, of course, is not mentally strong enough to see the world for what it is. He still views women as angels. I mentioned to him in passing that asian men have it quite hard in the world and he merely told me to pray. He never considered that he was complicit in the extermination of an entire race, and that my mother spread her legs for him for the only quality that he was white. I feel pain thinking of my childhood where my mother somehow must have thought I was better because of my skin color. I feel pain thinking about people like my brother and other asian men that I care about that know the pain of being rejected just for their skin color. This is a dehumanization. I am dehumanized because one half of me is thought to be worse, and I can never escape this kind of truth about myself. I admire greatly stronger men than I that can fight through it. I envy people that can go through life truly happy because they know that their race will never be an issue – like my father, these are the men that can believe in god, not is bastards. There is no point in trying to deny my heritage anymore. It does not make me inferior but women and this world think it does.
To anyone who can read this, this is the diary of a man on the brink of death, with nothing left to live for, and only a small push would be required to send me into the abyss of death. Rarely are there days that I am happy.
I have already decided that I will take pills and alcohol and die in my own bed, whilst leaving the door unlocked for whomever to find me. I somehow wish that I could make more of a statement but there is little point to it and I firmly believe that every man and woman will receive their due soon, once the spillover from our degenerate society takes its toll.
I was thinking about Elliot Rodgers the other day, and how I spoke to him the night before his murders. There will be more like him. Not me, but the mental illness that plagues our demographic is overwhelming. In a way, he brought karma to his mother and father in ways they could never imagine. Just as my mothers karma was her death. I feel no sorrow at that. I am ready
to die myself and wish to never see her again. I just long for peace.