I could have passed as white, maybe. People said I looked like a Uighur, or a Russian. But most people assume that I was white, from Central Asia. I denied my heritage for a very long time.
It hurts me very much that a group of men are considered worthless and that they are slated for being bred out. I am clearly not white and I never could be. In retrospect I was a very very difficult child and I chalk this us up the confusion in my household.
My mother died in 2000, because
when I was born my Caucasian head was too large for her body so she required a c-section and as a result received a bad blood transfusion and was infected with hepatitis B or C, and spent the rest of her life until I was 14 terrorizing our family. I think ultimately she grew so sick of my father because he wasn’t making enough money and began to turn me against him by humiliating him and abusing him. She abused us and hit us. She largely ignored me. Maybe because I looked whiter than my brother. She became more controlling of my brother and dominated his entire life, coddling him into being a perfect all around student.
A year before she died she had become extremely violent and my father visited her in the hospital with gifts but she took them and threw them against the wall. The day she died I came back from school and my aunts were sitting in the living room. They told me what happened, and I said nothing and left the house to play basketball. At her funeral I didn’t cry at all. I did not love her and I still do not. When I dream of her she appears in two instances; one is that she is driving a car, and crashes it into the water or into a wall. The other, I just try to get away from her.
My brother destroyed himself after her death. He locked himself in his room for one year. He never left the house. My father forced us to go live in another state with him. At the time I had become unruly and violent and my father called the police on me in several instances. My brothers mental state deteriorated and he was in and out of doctors who prescribed medicine to him for no apparent use; he has since been on drugs for nearly fourteen years and his mind has been entirely destroyed. He is not anything like he was when he was younger. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia and his mind collapsed in on itself and he is unable to have even a conversation. He will never come back from this, and I owe it all to mental illness and pathological terror brought on by my insane mother.
I had meant to post this a while ago but had forgotten. I had been away with my wife on a business trip. I have given myself up to fate and to my wife now. I consider myself fully Chinese if only because it is easier for me to accept. China saved my life in that it restores what little self esteem I had and possibly prevented me from killing myself. I am already spiritually dead with fleeting moments of happiness but in the bulk of time my escape is by thinking of the wonderful people I have met here who are not brainwashed like my mother and who do not worship whites.
It is a terrible realization to know that your own mother bent over for a white man only because he was white; career, character, and everything else was meaningless to her. I do not love her. I am free of her now, finally. I have accepted who I am and will struggle with it as long as I am alive. I am ready to die and fear nothing anymore. In this past year I have learned to accept that I am nothing more than the product of some evil on behalf of my parents and that the only true, sure escape, is through death. I prefer it this way.