This weekend

This weekend I was invited by my idiot of an uncle to speak on a subject that I have no interest in or any deep knowledge of, only because I am a white face, or at least somewhat white. This offends me because I know that if they brought an actual white male he would receive a much better response. The entire time I was dying to get out of there and go back to my place in Beijing where I could work on the things that I actually care about. I hate that I am treated differently because of my face. It’s like a betrayal of one half of myself. What a goddamn terror this is. It’s easier for me to just imagine myself as being Chinese. May my mother burn in hell. I hope to never see her again. She confused me and destroyed our lives from the moment she looked at my father; it took me 28 years to look in the mirror and realize that I wasn’t white, just a cheap knockoff according to what my whore of a mother wanted, barely passable as the real thing. May these types of women burn in hell for eternity. I thank god that I wasn’t born more asian looking because I surely would have blown my fucking brains out sooner; I am extremely at risk and the times that I don’t want to end my life are much less frequent than the times I do. I have so much anger and rage inside of me that I don’t know if I can contain it successfully in the future. Dad, I know it’s too goddamn much to understand for you. Your mind is too simple. What exactly was mom doing when she fucked you? Yet she’s still your angel. Of course you believe in god. The whole world was handed to you on a platter. You are a tall white guy. That’s all you need, isn’t it? That’s where your god comes from. Imagine the desperation of an asian male in America who goes through life being shit on my the same women that white males supposedly value as being some kind of divine gift to complement white privilege. Fuck it. There is no god, only hypergamy. I hope you can understand this. After I learned to accept it I became free. Free to live what’s left of my life before taking the final plunge. And stop god damn worshipping my wife. There is no angelic quality inherent to women. She’s just a normal, well adjusted woman, very different from your skank of a dead wife. She actually prefers Chinese men. Something my ugly trash of a mother never did.

If there is something that will destroy all of your hope in life it is the idea that a race of men is being exterminated and actively avoided. That’s what happened to me. I don’t in good conscience believe that this should be accepted nor should I somehow think that my life should be cherished when this was the ugly, ugly, ugly, UGLY circumstance that brought it about. If anything I am filled with self hatred because this was what happened to give birth to me, and my demographic is specifically the result of this extermination. I take zero pride in this and want the people involved to pay.

Which is it then? Am I better because I am white or mixed? But surely it’s not the asian in me. Can’t wait to fucking die.

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