Sometimes I feel I am between worlds. I am half asian but don’t look asian. But still too odd for living in the west. I have a passive personality and am very democratic and empathetic. In a way I am very asian. I tried my luck with women in the west but they did not want to settle down. My wife was the first to want to settle down with me. When I’m outside I feel a terrible guilt that women look at me as though I’m better because of my appearance. I’m not white. If I looked like my brother they wouldn’t care or treat me with respect. I know that if I looked different I would be nothing to them. This inner agony will be my death. I hope my wife does not feel similarly to these women that think whites are better. I wonder sometimes how these women who say horrible things about asian men get with racist white men and produce disastrous results. I long to fit in with one side. I long to live in a world where our appearance doesn’t dictate our worth to a huge population of women, my own mother included. I feel destroyed and broken inside. I have nothing left. I clearly will never be able to work normally. I sit here and just pine for death. That’s all. I’m worthless. Even my own mother was a traitor and a lunatic. I was screwed since birth. Screwed screwed screwed. Please just kill me now. Please god, why make me suffer like this? And my idiot father, he’d be so devastated. He couldn’t put two and two together. Why did my mother throw herself at him? Why?! Why?!?!!? BECAUSE HE WAS TALL AND WHITE?! WHAT ABOUT THE MILLIONS OF MEN WHO SHE THOUGHT BENEATH HER BECAUSE THEY WERENT TALL AND WHITE?!?! Where is their god?!????? This is your “angel”?! Everything you have in life was your own doing. Don’t blame others, don’t blame satan, don’t blame anyone but her and you. I’m sorry father, but this is how it is, in the real world. You need to take off your blinders. Just please, allow me to end it. Please, just let me sleep, let me sleep forever, just kill me, finish the job my mother started. Just kill me. Please. I’m begging anyone to just fucking kill me. Just hit me with a far or something. Just take me away. Let me go. Let the others figure it out. There will be nothing more once I’m dead. Nothing more at all. Please, tonight, tomorrow just please kill me. Anyone, just stab me or beat me, just please fucking kill me.