For every life that is created, one is denied; a man somewhere died alone and in poverty while my own mother practiced hypergamy. For the women who look at me and think I’m of high value because of my appearance so will thousands of men pass through life unwanted and ignored. Why do I deserve this life? Why is my life worth living if I’m just the outcome of some goddamn genetic dice roll?
Why did I come here? Why did I come to this place? I know the answer. I’ve always known. I came here to die in peace. It would have happened in 2011 when I was crossing the street and looked into the headlights of that bus. I didn’t. I kept looking over the edge of the railing outside of work. Kept wondering about what it would feel like falling down there. But a few weeks after that I met my wife. But what a goddamn tragedy it is that she saved me. I love her but what can I do? What about my kids?
As the son of a woman like you, mom, and her “tall white prize”, I have serious questions about what your incentives were. Serious questions. The fact is that you threw yourself at something you thought was superior, into a relationship rife with power plays and completely IGNORING the horrible shit that white people say about asian men, while playing right into the idea that asian women do in fact prefer white men and will do anything for access to white cock, makes me hate you.
That’s right, I hate my own mother and father. After all, I can never be a white man, only the product of powerful racial plays that makes me nothing less than a war baby. Thank you, asian women. Whatever, I don’t care anymore. I’ll be dead one day. Obviously there’s no convincing you. What is love, if it’s hinged on race? What is life, then, when the most important aspect of our lives, the thing most men wake up in the morning for – love – if it’s dependent on the race and appearance of the man? How is that not worse than death?
What is it? Am I inferior or superior? Pick one. I’m still asian, but I’m a little white. Which one is it, asian women? Just pick one. Why should I devote my life to doing any kind of good if you admitted in your actions that it’s not character that matters, only race? And before you say that it’s because of asian male patriarchy, that’s a lie, because white women complain about white patriarchy all the time. Just admit that you’re turned on by whites and no matter what an asian does, even your own son, will never amount to a white man in your eyes. Just admit it. Why should I even try and contribute to society IF MY OWN MOTHER viewed an entire group of men as worthless regardless of their character?
But in a way, I understand; we all wish a better life on our children, and the world is cruel and ugly, but at least show some respect to the people who you demean. Maybe that is my weakness – that I have always been far too sentimental and far too empathetic to those around me. It wasn’t until I came to China that I realized how lucky I was to have this white-ish appearance. That’s the ultimate tragedy.
Ultimately my question is: mother, how could you be so callous? And that is something I doubt I could ever forgive her for. That distance will be there forever until the day I die. May god forgive my mother, if god even exists, and when I die I do not intend to see her. All I know is that my thoughts of suicide are becoming incessant and overwhelming that I can think of nothing else. I am consumed with this and it is affecting my ability to function throughout the day. I draw near my peace! And isn’t it great! To be free!