Sometimes when I’m outside I wonder how the average lower-status man is able to endure in his life and I am crushed by sadness all the time. I guessed it was because their mothers were both there in their lives, and unconditionally on their side; I guess if someone was forced into basic survival to support his own mother he’d be more positive in enjoying the simple things in life. But in my case when I look at mother, she was and would not have been on my side; she spent her life keeping her eyes open for white men, and only white men, and said, in her actions that anything less was worthless. She was one of these women parading around with her tall white prize, acting too good for asian men, with a smug look on her face. She believed that I was somehow better because I looked whiter. Of course we all know that this is a biological impossibility. So what’s the answer then, mom? I’m just supposed to be okay knowing that you view me as inferior? So, I, and I imagine all mixed raced Eurasians probably realize at some time that our mothers were whores for whites, and that the same thing that turned them on was something we could never be. It took me twenty eight years to come to terms with what I am; to realize that it’s okay to be asian, but it wasn’t my mother or the millions of other asian women who taught me this. I learned that it’s alright to be who you are and to improve yourself as best as you can; I learned that even though women that would otherwise be our FUTURE MOTHERS put us down constantly, that it’s okay to be what we are. And in knowing this I feel happier knowing that when in the face of death everything becomes much simpler, and there’s nothing more convincing for a peaceful suicide that realizing that ones own mother was a whore, driven by simple biology and evolution, and extremely superficial. But in the meantime I have learned to accept what I am and enjoy the small bits of life that I have in front of me even though it is women like my own mother who have pushed me to the very brink of the end of my life. Sometimes I wonder if just killing myself even on webcam or just propagating this website to more people just to make a point to these women about the damage they do psychologically to their sons. If anyone ever reads this, just be aware that your actions can have consequences not only to the people you so hate, but your own flesh and blood. I’m not afraid to die anymore. Nothing appeals to me. I can’t look at anything the same. I leave the house once every three days. I don’t do anything but work and in the meantime play games, but these no longer appeal to me. I love my wife and could never hurt her but it destroys me inside to think that she loves me more because of my appearance. I love her and I know for a fact that had she not come along I would have taken that cocktail in 2010. She saved my life and I owe it to her and every time I see her my eyes light up. But I still just can’t bear it. I can’t bear it. Even my own mother. My sanity comes and goes; some minutes I am able to distract myself but other minutes I sink into complete blackness. What’s the point. Even my own goddamn mother proved that personality means nothing. Talent means nothing. It’s just fuck the white man. Suck the white man’s dick.