I could look at my own mother and lie to myself that she loved me father for who he was. But the massive proportion of Asian women who only want white men makes me doubt it. The fact that Asian men must earn more just for the same response means that white guys party, do drugs, and fuck, while Asian guys work hard for less results. There is no love in it. There is NOTHING. Even if I could live that lifestyle, I won’t. I won’t betray a part of me. Fundamentally we’re just unattractive. If you have to convince and buy a woman’s love, it’s hardly love. Consider this my suicide letter. Quite frankly I don’t want to live here anymore. Fuck this fucking rotten fucking world with its liars and whores. I can’t even look at my wife anymore. I can’t bear to even think of my son going through life alone. I made a mistake coming here. She was the only one who would take me, and even then I’m a loser, she took a foreign loser. She doesn’t know what I’m going through. I literally am on the brink of killing myself. I have looked up ways to do it so that I go peacefully in my sleep. I am preoccupied with this and ignoring my work. My bosses are impatient with me but I don’t care anymore. I fantasize about shooting myself with more and more frequency. I have no home to go to, nothing, just poverty and broken pieces back in the US. Ironic as it is a Chinese woman saved my fucking worthless life, and ironic as it is the more I hear about how Chinese women hate Asian men I want to drop her, to leave her, to kill myself, to not have Asian children. I was colorblind before. I don’t want to have kids with her. She took me because of my whitish appearance. My kids won’t have the same privilege. These fucking people are making me destroy my marriage with their hatred. Why would a white guy marry a self hating Asian whore if his kids will look Asian? Why should I, even though my wife is a good person? Why don’t I bank on my white privilege, my white looks, and become a hedonist who fucks white girls like other eurasians?
If only people would realize what their mass actions and words did. Even if it carried down to a man on the brink of death sitting alone in a sparse room in a second world city, with no friends and a bottle of fucking pills in his drawer. They don’t care. They never did. Maybe they would now. Even if one fucking woman realized the agony of someone like me. But they wouldn’t care. I stay up at night in bed looking at the ceiling thinking why life would be even worth living if it’s such a goddamn battle to even breed, that you have to convince people to realize that you’re better than your skin color, and once you do your kids are humiliated and treated like shit, so what’s the point. It’s easier to just blow my brains out. And it doesn’t even matter if people don’t believe that Eurasian kids are all like me or think like me. We’re prone to mental illness at a higher rate. My father had so much hope that I’d be a doctor, and I’d just tell him our fates are decided as soon as we come out of the womb. Girls will fuck you if you look a certain way, and marry the rich guy as compensation for not wanting to fuck him. My brother walks around with crumbs on his shirt, a vapid look in his eyes like a zombie. It’s only recently that I realized why I’ve been sinking into a goddamn hole my whole life. Goddamn, just goddamn this fucking place. Why the fuck don’t I just take my fucking chances on the other side.