Fuck This World

I could look at my own mother and lie to myself that she loved me father for who he was. But the massive proportion of Asian women who only want white men makes me doubt it. The fact that Asian men must earn more just for the same response means that white guys party, do drugs, and fuck, while Asian guys work hard for less results. There is no love in it. There is NOTHING. Even if I could live that lifestyle, I won’t. I won’t betray a part of me. Fundamentally we’re just unattractive. If you have to convince and buy a woman’s love, it’s hardly love. Consider this my suicide letter. Quite frankly I don’t want to live here anymore. Fuck this fucking rotten fucking world with its liars and whores. I can’t even look at my wife anymore. I can’t bear to even think of my son going through life alone. I made a mistake coming here. She was the only one who would take me, and even then I’m a loser, she took a foreign loser. She doesn’t know what I’m going through. I literally am on the brink of killing myself. I have looked up ways to do it so that I go peacefully in my sleep. I am preoccupied with this and ignoring my work. My bosses are impatient with me but I don’t care anymore. I fantasize about shooting myself with more and more frequency. I have no home to go to, nothing, just poverty and broken pieces back in the US. Ironic as it is a Chinese woman saved my fucking worthless life, and ironic as it is the more I hear about how Chinese women hate Asian men I want to drop her, to leave her, to kill myself, to not have Asian children. I was colorblind before. I don’t want to have kids with her. She took me because of my whitish appearance. My kids won’t have the same privilege. These fucking people are making me destroy my marriage with their hatred. Why would a white guy marry a self hating Asian whore if his kids will look Asian? Why should I, even though my wife is a good person? Why don’t I bank on my white privilege, my white looks, and become a hedonist who fucks white girls like other eurasians?

If only people would realize what their mass actions and words did. Even if it carried down to a man on the brink of death sitting alone in a sparse room in a second world city, with no friends and a bottle of fucking pills in his drawer. They don’t care. They never did. Maybe they would now. Even if one fucking woman realized the agony of someone like me. But they wouldn’t care. I stay up at night in bed looking at the ceiling thinking why life would be even worth living if it’s such a goddamn battle to even breed, that you have to convince people to realize that you’re better than your skin color, and once you do your kids are humiliated and treated like shit, so what’s the point. It’s easier to just blow my brains out. And it doesn’t even matter if people don’t believe that Eurasian kids are all like me or think like me. We’re prone to mental illness at a higher rate. My father had so much hope that I’d be a doctor, and I’d just tell him our fates are decided as soon as we come out of the womb. Girls will fuck you if you look a certain way, and marry the rich guy as compensation for not wanting to fuck him. My brother walks around with crumbs on his shirt, a vapid look in his eyes like a zombie. It’s only recently that I realized why I’ve been sinking into a goddamn hole my whole life. Goddamn, just goddamn this fucking place. Why the fuck don’t I just take my fucking chances on the other side.

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4 thoughts on “Fuck This World

  1. I try not to get involved with this, but here I go again. So, I’ve read through the entirety of your blog. Read some of the comments but not all of them. I left some comments on Stuff Eurasian Males Like. One of those comments I left, I was actually hoping that you would read. I mentioned that I thought it would be a good idea to make Youtube videos that would expose this issue. It was mentioned by 1 of the Eurasian girls on SEML that creating such a video would be very difficult for Eurasians and Hapas because of the backlash they would receive from their Asian mother and general extended family. A reason which I completely understood and agreed with. However, as you’ve mentioned repeatedly, your mother has passed away. It also doesn’t sound like you care much at all about what your extended family has to say, considering that you sound very serious about suicide.

    Often times, I have thought about committing suicide myself. I attempted it too. Stopped myself though. Maybe it’ll help to let you know that I kind of am one of those Asian guys that you feel sorry about. I was born and raised in America and still live here now. I’ve never had a woman in my life and I am straight and have desperately wanted to have a girlfriend since childhood. I’m well past the age when most people get married and have children. The reasons weren’t entirely because of racism. But being exposed to American media all my life, the idea of being sexually inferior is drilled into my head. This feeling of loneliness is a wound that I don’t think can ever be healed in my life time. Even if I was to find a woman right now, it wouldn’t change the past.

    You have every reason to dislike religion because of the influence of your father. But a priest once suggested that, I shouldn’t think about the past or the future. That I shouldn’t even think about tomorrow. That the only thing I should focus on is getting through today. Rather than take my life, just wait. Make it through to the end of the day. Also, he posed the question to me: why are you here? he told me that I should think about that.

    For the longest time, I thought I was here to be punished. That I was paying the price of some terrible sin I committed in another life time. So, there was nothing to my existence other than being tortured with loneliness, heart ache and to ultimately die alone. But when I thought about it some more, it occurred to me that so many people primarily aim for 1 thing in their life. To be happy. I think most people believe they’re born into this world so that they can ultimately be happy. Of course, most people think being happy means having a lover, friends, family, a home, comforts and wealth. To be honest, I suppose that is what I wanted as well. I only needed a girl to share my life with and to love. The rest wasn’t necessary. But I still thought the reason to be here should have been to find happiness.

    Then I started to think about evil. You know as well as I do, that there is evil in this world. That even if you or I could find happiness, people in this world would continue to suffer because of human injustice. It occurred to me how sad it was that so many people could care so much more about their own happiness than to ever bother to look towards those outside of them who are suffering. So I asked myself that question again. Why am I here? Is it to be happy? Could I honestly be happy if I turned a blind eye to those who are in pain?

    We’re all human beings. We all yearn to love and to be loved. To feel like we belong somewhere. So when those things are denied, we will be in pain. For some, that pain may last until their dying breath. But why am I here? I think, the reason why I am here is to try my best to do some good in this world for the time that I have left. To do whatever I can to stop the spread of evil. I am not here to be happy. If there is happiness in my life, I welcome it and I would be grateful. But that is not why I am here.

    I mentioned this before in my comment on SEML. To me, the most effective way to expose this issue (for the time being) is for Eurasians and Hapas born of this racial pairing to get in front of a camera and tell their stories and then upload those videos to Youtube. That unless people see a real human being telling the truth and seeing the pain in their eyes, people won’t really believe it. To do such a thing would result in severe backlash and it is not fair to ask Eurasians and Hapas to do this. But for those who feel they have nothing to lose, it might be something to think about.

    It seems one of the reasons you’re suffering is because of the empathy you feel towards others. Heck, towards lonely Asian guys like me. While it is painful, it is a good thing and I thank you for that. I will try to stay in this world and fight this thing for as long as I can. I hope you can stick around and do the same.

  2. I am going through your blog right now. I empathize with you. At one point, I wanted to kill myself too. I remember once I had a rope in my hands and I was about to hang myself when I was home alone once, but I didn’t. I don’t know why I didn’t do so, but I am glad that I never followed through. I have never told anyone this, but what I’ve read so far from you really resonates with me. I am glad to see that even though you mentioned several times wanting to kill yourself, you haven’t.

    I certainly cannot claim to have the answers. I still have my periods where I feel okay and other times when my depression weighs heavily on me.

    I’m not Asian, but I do understand where you are coming from. I feel like no race of men (including my own) likes me. I feel like I am destined for loneliness at times because of my race and how I am. I try to get through life one day at a time though.

    This is a short message, but just wanted to leave this message while going through your blog.

    • I was within five minutes of ending my life, had written my will and unlocked the door. The truth is that life is essentially extremely brutal. The people who deny this are essentially privileged for whatever reason. So when you remove ones ego from it (a liberation that comes with flirting with death), life becomes about survival. So I suggest just enjoy your life.

      This is problematic too because everyone is “enjoying their life” at the expense of others, the environment and animals. Life itself is a fluke, based on the suffering of other life. For someone to eat, something else needs to die.

      It’s not that different from me being able to live by an Asian child “dying”, or never existing at all.

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