I’d like to address this to Asian women, Asian men, and white men, as well. If you read one thing on this blog, read this.
I am a suicidal Eurasian; not someone who pretends to be suicidal for attention, but because I really want to die. Being a Eurasian I am filled with guilt and sorrow (not sorry, but sorrow). I have felt this for twenty years, and will never stop feeling it.
Frankly, I feel sorrow that I am Asian, and part of a race of men that is unattractive. I understand this fundamentally and any sort of explanation of patriarchy, cultural flaws, doesn’t hold weight. It is no coincidence that white men are seen as the most attractive – because they are. Any fault in their character is ignored because of their attractiveness, and obviously they’ll use this and their natural privilege (which I have, as well) to their advantage, as I did.
I feel guilty, because when I go outside, I am assumed to be white. I am attractive, and I am attractive because I am half-white. I feel terrible guilt at the fact that my life is so much better than the average Asian male’s. I feel guilt that when an Asian woman looks at me – she sees me as being attractive because I am not Asian. She values me more. She will make excuses for my behavior, simply because I am tall, and white (or at least whiter). She will ignore men who are harder working than me, more motivated than me – because I am white. Yes, that is the way the world is, but as someone who has a conscious, I do not like it, I will never like it, and would rather take my chances on the other side than endure a few more years of this. I have endured enough tragedy after tragedy after tragedy; I will never work, I will never amount to anything. Frankly I do not know what to tell my son when he is denied over and over something that comes so easily to a white male, and easier to me; I don’t know how to explain that he’ll have to wait until he’s 30 to find a partner, and only as second pick.
I feel guilty that my life has been easier than my brother’s, who looks Asian. I feel guilty that I have had the privilege of being able to live a life of brief love (once) and attraction, without the need to make a lot of money in the Asian mode of life, in order to win attraction. I feel sorrow that I am viewed as inferior or and oddity by white people, and sorrow that I am viewed as superior by Asians – or in some rare cases, an oddity.
When I was young, I was turned down by several girls because I was part Asian. Knowing how suicidal I was and still am, had I been fully Asian I would have thrown myself off of the George Washington Bridge. I feel terrible sorrow that this same behavior was what my mother practiced, but it was never evident to me because for the majority of my life she has been dead. Maybe you can’t understand it, but at a psychological level it is a horrible, soul-crushing feeling to endure. Many Hapas are able to ignore it while coasting off of their white privilege – but to do so is to ignore a horrible inequality in the world: that love is not, and never will be, colorblind.
Which brings me to my last point: white men will use this “preference” to their favor, and in doing so rely on age old stereotypes about Asian men in order to access Asian vagina, while feeling no guilt about it. This is obvious literally EVERYWHERE and is impossible to ignore, and Asian women go right along with it. I could easily go out, in this world, and do this as well – I could easily deny I am Asian, like I always have, for 27 years (I am 29 now). To do so would be immoral – and the children from these pairings – what right does anyone have to say they should be happy? I sought out my wife because she was a good person, and recognized that I was too. I thought, at that time, that God would punish everyone with their sadistic agendas, and that she did not have one, and that she was a good person in a sea of shit.
In short, the white man’s entitlement to a good life, sense of superiority, which my racist father felt owed a woman, a woman who hated her race, herself, and Asian men, created me. I, like many Eurasians, am the result of the the intersection of dozens of negative directions in this world: Racism (white entitlement, hatred for the Asian male appearance), feminism (white males fleeing the feminist white woman who believes she does not owe the white male anything), hypergamy, globalization, sexual domination, fetishization, idolization of the “mixed race” person, emasculation of an entire race, a strong media agenda of racial preference, the collapse of western civilization, and the desperation of western men seeking alternatives. None of these are positives. None. Not once does love even enter the equation – let’s be honest. Love, in an ideal world, will never be racially tinged.
See, I do not fear death. I welcome it wholly. I fantasize about it every five minutes, for a decade and a half. The only way I can even bring myself to go out the front door is the promise of shooting myself, or drugging myself, or throwing myself off a bridge, if things get too bad. If I were a white male – I would never, never entertain a racist Asian woman. To do so will bring tragedy into the world like mine and however many other Hapas there are out there who suffer. Maybe someone will read this and share it in the future; maybe they will say, this man is obviously mentally ill, and I can’t be guilted out of what I like. Yes, I am, and no you cannot. But your children will always, always bear the burden of your choices, so you better hope you
do a good job of lying to them that it really was about true love.