I assume most of you can venture a guess that I demonstrate unusual psychological behavior. It’s hard to tell from my writing but I’ll go on the basis that even people in my family think I’m crazy and weird, and I assume that you’re able to judge my mental stability based on my writing patterns; I deleted older posts that were mostly about suicide and self hatred but as time has gone on you can see the writing has decidedly become more stable.
Now I have to say it took me until literally two days before Elliot Rodger’s massacre to actually have an “aha” moment. And it happened after interacting with my 32 year old brother who has never worked, having spent fourteen years essentially locked in his apartment, exhibiting insane and disgusting behavior that I don’t even know the details of to this day (hoarding, really, really vile personal hygiene habits, etc.). Think things found in his room and bathroom after a period of ten years of never really exiting his squalid apartment, so horrifying that both my father and grandmother refuse to divulge to me.
I have exhibited exceptionally erratic behavior as well, to sum it up: extreme narcissism, obsession with my looks, extreme and deliberate weight loss and gain to the point of throwing up and not properly disposing of vomit, extreme antisocial behavior, body dysmorphia (refusing to take my hand down from pressing into my stomach in an attempt to look more muscular), mild violent outbursts in public, extreme body image issues, etc., none of them I really feel comfortable going into detail about. I essentially have little contact with old classmates for fear of being reminded of my past “eccentric” behavior.
I had no real ill feelings towards Asian women and white men nor any real consciousness towards the idea of race until the moment it dawned on me that:
A) women were discriminating against me too because of my Asian heritage.
B) I hated myself deep down and spent years attempting to deny my heritage.
C) I was legitimately bizarre.
Plus my brother was sick and I just couldn’t ever pinpoint why exactly.
I started reading StuffEurasianPeopleLike and then comparing the news stories involving Hapas to my own experiences and it literally all started making sense; I suspect that the vast majority of Hapas are probably under extreme duress but don’t exactly know why.
This realization didn’t happen until I was 25 at roughly the time I started this blog and at least after the incidents last year, and I’m still reeling. I think writing here has been monumentally helpful in pinpointing exactly what went wrong, and I do firmly believe it is because of the level of self hatred that was passed down to me from my mother. Again I consider myself an extreme case and I do personally believe the psychosis of both my brother and I was caused not only because of genetics (ironically which drew both my parents together), but also because of self hatred and other disingenuous motives in forming a relationship; combined with the fact that my mother died as a result of her C-section, I am probably among the most extreme cases for Hapas and think it’s only fair to write about the danger of beginning a relationship on disingenuous motives.