On Mental Illness and Realizing the Cause

I assume most of you can venture a guess that I demonstrate unusual psychological behavior. It’s hard to tell from my writing but I’ll go on the basis that even people in my family think I’m crazy and weird, and I assume that you’re able to judge my mental stability based on my writing patterns; I deleted older posts that were mostly about suicide and self hatred but as time has gone on you can see the writing has decidedly become more stable.

Now I have to say it took me until literally two days before Elliot Rodger’s massacre to actually have an “aha” moment. And it happened after interacting with my 32 year old brother who has never worked, having spent fourteen years essentially locked in his apartment, exhibiting insane and disgusting behavior that I don’t even know the details of to this day (hoarding, really, really vile personal hygiene habits, etc.). Think things found in his room and bathroom after a period of ten years of never really exiting his squalid apartment, so horrifying that both my father and grandmother refuse to divulge to me.

I have exhibited exceptionally erratic behavior as well, to sum it up: extreme narcissism, obsession with my looks, extreme and deliberate weight loss and gain to the point of throwing up and not properly disposing of vomit, extreme antisocial behavior, body dysmorphia (refusing to take my hand down from pressing into my stomach in an attempt to look more muscular), mild violent outbursts in public, extreme body image issues, etc., none of them I really feel comfortable going into detail about. I essentially have little contact with old classmates for fear of being reminded of my past “eccentric” behavior.

I had no real ill feelings towards Asian women and white men nor any real consciousness towards the idea of race until the moment it dawned on me that:

A) women were discriminating against me too because of my Asian heritage.

B) I hated myself deep down and spent years attempting to deny my heritage.

C) I was legitimately bizarre.

Plus my brother was sick and I just couldn’t ever pinpoint why exactly.

I started reading StuffEurasianPeopleLike and then comparing the news stories involving Hapas to my own experiences and it literally all started making sense; I suspect that the vast majority of Hapas are probably under extreme duress but don’t exactly know why.

This realization didn’t happen until I was 25 at roughly the time I started this blog and at least after the incidents last year, and I’m still reeling. I think writing here has been monumentally helpful in pinpointing exactly what went wrong, and I do firmly believe it is because of the level of self hatred that was passed down to me from my mother. Again I consider myself an extreme case and I do personally believe the psychosis of both my brother and I was caused not only because of genetics (ironically which drew both my parents together), but also because of self hatred and other disingenuous motives in forming a relationship; combined with the fact that my mother died as a result of her C-section, I am probably among the most extreme cases for Hapas and think it’s only fair to write about the danger of beginning a relationship on disingenuous motives.

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12 thoughts on “On Mental Illness and Realizing the Cause

  1. Wow, your mother surely was fucked up. Anyone hates their race that much shouldn’t be allowed to pass down their DNA.

    • You know why I wrote this blog? At the beginning it was a diary to explain why I was going to kill myself. Luckily I didn’t. The blog now is going to be a resource to explain why Hapa children oftentimes have trouble prior to and even entering into adulthood. I barely made it out and I suspect violent incidents are going to continue happening from this demographic. Don’t ask me how I know this, but I do.

    • I’ve never worked a day in my life and I don’t plan to, either, simply as a way to spite my family. Plus I am also mentally ill equipped to work and have difficulty communicating with people in real life which essentially makes me unemployable. So yes, I do allow being Eurasian to consume my life, and no, I’m not going to spend exorbitant amounts of money to pay someone to talk to me.

  2. Are you going to be unemployed for the rest of your life? You have difficulty communicating? Read books on communicating. Communicate with more people. Ask for help. Don’t sit around the house feeling sorry for yourself. Life is not easy. You have to work for what you want and need.

    The real reason women don’t want you is because you can’t communicate and you don’t have a job. It’s not because you are Eurasian or Asian looking. Learn to talk to women and get a decent job. They will be attracted to you and have respect for you. In order for a relationship to work, you will need to talk. A female will not support you financially.

    Look, this is some tough love. Get over it! You are who you are. Deal with the cards you have been dealt.

    • Read the title of the blog. It’s called Longing For Death. It started as a suicide note and now is nothing more than a blog on the raw sickness of human beings. I never cared about working, or any of that crap, because I always knew that I was going to eventually either kill myself non-violently or die from natural causes. My health is crap and I don’t really plan for living another ten years, especially with my mental condition; I don’t recall a single day in my entire life that I woke up and did not want to be dead instead. I started writing this blog when I was literally in the deepest pockets of psychiatric, suicidal insanity and actually devoting myself to finding out the source made me able to bring this website around into something more meaningful that can help other young people who are struggling – which they will.

      I’m not complaining at all, I don’t feel sorry for myself – I feel sorry for others in my position who never are going to find their way out; if it wasn’t for other Hapa writers, like StuffEurasiansLike, I would never have had the incentive to question what was wrong with me. I’m devoting my life to this issue and if anything I want to find restitution for my brother, who after everything is probably the worst and saddest case of a human being that I’ve ever come across. And I just wanted to know why. When your whole life is based around death, nihilism and self-hatred that was literally heaved upon me by my parents and family, then life itself becomes completely worthless… but I suppose someone looking from the outside would never understand.

      • Americans are funny. They love shows like the Walking Dead and Game of Thrones, extremely brutal, nihilistic shows. Yet the minute they see someone who has actually lived a life exposed to death and horror they suggest getting therapy – before going back to their own violent, televised fantasies.

        You named yourself Freud, then you obviously know about psychology. Human beings never change, they just do whatever benefits them and then slap a political label on it. They don’t care about the repercussions of it. If you like Freud then you know the world is shit. And it’s not exactly some great noble cause to suggest that everyone struggling go “get help” or look on the bright side… because there is no bright side. Which is why this world is so completely fucked. It’s nobler to just stop caring.

  3. Another reason why girls don’t want you is because you are too negative. No one wants to hang around negative people.

    Work with your problems and write a blog about your successes. That will inspire others to be successful and give them hope. This doom and gloom blog is ridiculous. You’re not going to put out a fire throwing more logs into the fire. Think of a better way to put out a fire.

    • Why are you talking about girls?

      Why do you keep mentioning girls?

      Where do I mention girls at all in this blog?

      The blog is about the cause of mental illness and self destruction, not girls.

      You’re the one thinking about girls, not me.

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