Am I a Fully Asian Man?

So a lot of people have contrarily been claiming that I am either Asian, or fully White (which makes even less sense).

The truth is I don’t think I could mentally handle being fully Asian. I admit that I am partially biased after moving to China in an attempt to work and start a new life, under the assumption that I would be accepted.

When I first arrived in China, I was oddly enough in a phase where I believed that I was white – I thought literally by some divine miracle that I had managed to be totally white despite having an Asian mother. (I mean that I really believed this. I thought God had somehow “chosen” me; i.e., mental illness).

It was then later that I was constantly called “laowai”, and viewed as being a foreigner that I became self conscious; after that, I became more and more aware of the fact that as I got older, I looked more and more Asian, and when I photographed pictures, I looked Asian. When I gelled my hair – people would mistake me for fully Chinese, or at least “you look like a Chinese” (in broken English).

It then dawned on me why for so long I had attempted to hide my heritage and if indeed I was privileged – but yet not privileged as the blue eyed / blond haired men that are fabled to run around Asia getting thousands of lays.

It then dawned on me that the combination of all of these factors found their root in having a mother who was just like the Asian women I saw around me who chased foreigners; my insecurity and flirtation with white supremacy all stemmed from a deep seated self hatred and from the lack of having parents who were able to instill proper self esteem in me, and even if they had the subconscious micro aggressions that I as a Hapa receive from White males and Asian women around me are a constant reminded of exactly who I am, and who I am not.

Frankly it DOES NOT MAKE SENSE that a Hapa child can have healthy development since these relationships are so common and often times so vile; and I challenge anyone to really answer the question why these relationships are so common and how the children born from them are able to be raised by two people so diametrically opposed to their own self interests.

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20 thoughts on “Am I a Fully Asian Man?

  1. Exactly. Then the funniest thing is, that when you question these so called “nice, caring, traditional” Asian women or whatever, they freak out and become 10x worse than the average white woman that these white guys hate so much. For example, just earlier I asked some Filipino mail-order bride if she’d thought about the fact her kids would be embarrassed and humiliated to be seen with them, especially since the ‘husband’ was a good 20-30 years older. As for the response? Nothing more than “fuck off you cunt” lol…honestly, where did Filipinos even learn to swear like that?!

  2. I’m wondering what you make of white women (like myself) who have a preference for Asian men. And this is slowly becoming more and more common as I recently moved back from S.Korea where I know several mixed couples (including many AMWF).

    I feel that much of it is is perspective and being lucky enough to be surrounded by people with the “right/healthier perspective” that benefits you/me/anyone.

    I was raised by 2 white parents who loathed one another. I had far more respect for my Hindu-raised Indian godfather than my own father. And then I grew up having crushes on Asian and hapa boys… later to date all races, but still prefer mostly East Asian men (Korean, Chinese, Japanese, etc).

    I also have some serious racist issues towards white men (especially those like my father, a gambler and philanderer) which may also tie in to some of my own dealings with self-loathing.

    Btw… I grew up with some hapa cousins (Pakistani-white, 2 boys/2 girls) who grew up to be insanely gorgeous. Several of my high school friends had crushes on them and I always envied them their beauty and that their father/my uncle was/is a famous brain surgeon.

    I’ve always envied Asian and hapa people for their/your beauty… i.e. black, shiny hair and dark narrow, hooded eyes, naturally tan skin, etc…

    Again…. perspective.

    Sounds like you were unfortunate to have been raised by a mother who would dismiss the attributes of you that are so favored and admired by someone like me and many people who I know.

    • The issue isn’t so much the pairing. It’s the cultural / societal implications that go into it that represent the marginalization and open hatred of Asian men. Which is why Hapas born from Asian fathers and White mothers seem to dominate socially and have achieved success in every area, while Hapas as of recent have been making national headlines for murder.

      And that’s not even beginning to discuss the cultural clash within the home (the Asian woman’s latent Tiger Momming, comparison with her siblings, passive aggression towards her child, showing off the child as an accessory, comments on the child’s hair, eyes, etc., the extreme trauma of being bi-cultural and being excluded from both whether inherently or directly, ON TOP OF the fact that Hapas are unique in looking a certain way that is contrary to the ideal male that is valued higher by all women who look like his mother and women in her family).

    • Oh I should also mention that in REALITY, contrary to what people believe because it “feels good,” ethnicity is generally passed down through the father, as a form of implicit “victory.” So any kids you have would view the success of their father as indicative of the success of their “race.” The same race they will probably look like (sometimes not). In the case of the WM/AW the child himself is Asian more or less and is indicative of his own defeat.

      • No offense- but you sound young, and angry. Time, and experience might cure that.

        But I think what you said- captioned below, is total bullshit. Starting with a complete and utter lack of understanding of the “why” part of why your father opted out of his racist paradigm.

        What- do you think your dad runs victory laps around your mothers bed, gloating at his “conquest”? That is pure racist crap, straight out of the mouth of some 90’s white feminist.

        Like- do you have any idea why a man chooses a woman from another tribe? Or anything about manhood in general?

        No offense- but maybe a shrink can help you figure it out. No one really fits in anywhere- and in a Judeo Christian narrative- don’t forget that the word Judeo comes first- as in ” even white people have inter- white identity issues.”

        Your words below, sound like something from David Dukesteins playbook:

        “ethnicity is generally passed down through the father, as a form of implicit “victory.” So any kids you have would view the success of their father as indicative of the success of their “race.”

        • You seem to imply that it’s the father’s fault. The mother is at fault too for destroying her own community in favor of the white one.

          P.S., stop suggesting therapy, and then pretending to have some mystic knowledge of history / esotericism. It’s funny that the people who claim to be so happy rely so heavily on the Church of Therapy. Which is essentially people like you paying huge amounts of money to talk to overpaid Masters students… who rely on “Jewish” psychoanalysis.

          Incredible really, the people who post here.

  3. Wow. A lot of very intense points backed by a lot of valid feelings you have there. I had never heard the phrase “Tiger momming” before. I had to look it up.

    I’ve actually witnessed a lot of the uncomfortable tension of Asian vs Asian racism many times and have had a difficult time putting it into words sometimes. It’s terrible! The anger and distrust many Asian-American men and women feel towards one another has even affected me at times, as someone close to one party. Especially as I date Asian men and they have sometimes assumed and projected many ideas onto me. Or as an Asian female friend would disrespect an Asian guy I know, or vise-versa.

    It was actually a grave issue I had with a previous boyfriend in Korea who thought it was flattering to insult the appearance of Korean women to me… until I let him know that it really bothered me. I have many Korean [as well as other Asian] friends and have been shocked at times by the disrespect and resentment I hear. I feel a lot of it comes from old resentment. Many Asian women resented their fathers and went for a white man then become psychologically abusive, exploitive and emotionally neglectful of their sons, and sometimes daughters too.

    I hope to see more hapa boys and men, and women, becoming more supportive of one another and realizing the positive things about themselves. And that there are many “white” (I’m white but was raised in a multi-cultural family, loving my non-white, hapa family members) who support and love them.

    I guess this will always be an issue for me as I have many Asian and hapa close friends and family and if I ever end up with a life-partner/husband… he’ll probably be Asian or hapa.

    My heart goes out to you guys. ❤

      • You have a good point and that’s entirely possible. I’m just not sure if the anti-Asian male attitude is such a factor in Korea. But he did keep mentioning how “attractive American [white] men are” as though I would agree, in which I would reply, “That’s a matter of opinion, but not of mine. I’m not attracted to white men” but he had a difficult time believing me, which was incredibly frustrating.
        And his rudeness towards other Koreans, including growing jealousy of my Korean friends, became a deal breaker for me.

        • Errrr…. adoptee? My best friend is a Korean adoptee and he’s said in passing that he doesn’t like Asian girls.

          It just made my jaw drop, especially since he grew up with me in (NYC outer borough). But then I thought about it and it probably was a combination of him being an “unpopular” type of Asian guy, (dark, adoptee), that Asian girls didn’t like (first generation immigrant girls where I grew up). Either that or in college he had a bad experience with Asian girls (or saw them all with white men) and subconsciously assumed this was why he didn’t like them.

          For me I always had a feeling I’d marry Asian. I grew up entrenched in the community and I think that’s what pisses me off the most – that I actually like Asian women (and dark haired white women next). So I struggled a bit with my self-hatred for a long, long time.

          Actually this past year is the only time in my life that I feel like I’m no longer in a “haze.” Not a good haze though. Like a psychosis haze. You can see at the beginning of the blog.

    • It’s really hilarious actually now that you point it out.

      A day or two ago some Hapa on reddit said that there are so many white women going on reddit and on this blog too asking about their kids.

      To date there have been no Asian females posting a single thread asking about their kids.

      • Hmmm… I’m not really sure what to think about the lack of Asian women posting questions. Perhaps that could be a lot to do with pride? And maybe because of people posting feelings about resentments towards their Asian mothers. I’m not sure.

        However, the white mothers I’ve known seem to be very dedicated and loving towards their kids. However, I don’t know as many AWWM parents but the few I do know are involved in the arts and the women are mostly Japanese-American and very sweet, in general.

      • Miagataaa- I’m pretty sure Asian women don’t give a shit about Reddit, despite the new CEO being an adian woman.

        Most have better things to do than whinge about not getting laid.

        Wonder why that is….

        But race confused people should all read “Wanderings” by Chaim Potok. It explains a lot about race mixing, from a thousands of years perspective- as opposed to an ” I got liked on Facebook today!” perspective.

  4. Also, the Korean guy I was mentioning, who I dated in Seoul last year, was from there. He wasn’t adopted. He lived in San Fransisco for a year but his English level was still pretty low.
    But he had some serious resentment towards other Koreans and the women there. Although, I met his mom and his sister and they were really sweet and seems to dote on him. He told me once that he kind of resented being so responsible for helping his parents and having to work so hard to take care of them.

    I’m sorry that you and your brother have suffered through so much. I truly hope you find peace and love for yourself… then eventually meet someone who will love you completely for all you are.

    • Thanks.

      The bottom line is that no matter what unless the relationship between two people is based entirely on love – without the trappings of hatred, rebellion, self-hatred, status climbing, or otherwise loaded micro aggressions and subversive motives, the marriage WILL END, and the children will suffer.

      But with the majority of relationships like that these days, even between monoracials, is this even possible?

      • Exactly what you said… not even between monoracials. That’s for sure.

        There HAS to be genuine equal respect.
        My parents loathed one another. It was like War of the Roses with them (minus the wealth) As a child I thought for sure someone would end up dead. I’ve had many hapa friends from much happier families than mine. (but that’s not saying much)

        And I was engaged once to a Korean guy and adored him… but he had a lot resentment towards white women and took it out on me in very psychologically abusive, undermining ways. In the end, after so many insults, he cheated on me and rubbed it in my face, actually laughed in my face. Quite shocking. I quit my job, sold my car and left Seattle for good.

        But I would never assume this is what all Korean men do. I just made a great err in judgment and should’ve left him long before that.
        I’ve come to realize it was due to my poor self-esteem that I allowed so much abuse.

        And I feel the same for all people, no matter the race/ethnicity. Without a healthy self-esteem we all allow abuse to happen. But everyone deserves respect and love and should give it. That’s the healthier way to function. Seems like a no-brainer but abuse and hate is like a disease that spreads, unfortunately.

        Fortunately love spreads too.

  5. Eurasian Writer – don’t stop writing.

    Considering yourself the grand father of the Hapa movement – by writing, you counter attack the mind virus that is white hegemony.

    Your writing has very real impact on this world – imagine an Asian woman who was about to marry a white guy but stopped because she read your blog. And because she didn’t spawn a hapa male, the hapa male didn’t grow up to kill people like Elliot Rodger.

    Or.

    An Asian American female read your blog and finally became aware of white hegemony, Hollywood brain washing and decided to date Asian men, or black men, or Arab men instead of a nerdy white guy.

    Again, your writing has tangible impact for generations to come.

    Don’t stop writing.

    I suggest you expand even further – put your brain power into good use and study Asian American issues, white hegemony, Hollywood sexualizing Asian women, etc etc

    (I’m sure you already know the above but the rabbit hole goes deep)

    Bless you for doing an amazing job – you’re the chosen one. Even ought your life is painful, this blog gave you a reason to life – as a leader of the hapa awareness movement.

    – Your fellow Asian American

    • Totally agreed. If nothing else, this blog is a great source to educate all people in general the damage of white hegemony, white media brainwashing, and white racism against Asians. There is nothing worse than white washed Asian women who is out there promoting white supremacy openly. It is like having traitors living among Asians. It is good to see blogs like this telling it like it is and the raw truth with no filters.

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