So a lot of people have contrarily been claiming that I am either Asian, or fully White (which makes even less sense).
The truth is I don’t think I could mentally handle being fully Asian. I admit that I am partially biased after moving to China in an attempt to work and start a new life, under the assumption that I would be accepted.
When I first arrived in China, I was oddly enough in a phase where I believed that I was white – I thought literally by some divine miracle that I had managed to be totally white despite having an Asian mother. (I mean that I really believed this. I thought God had somehow “chosen” me; i.e., mental illness).
It was then later that I was constantly called “laowai”, and viewed as being a foreigner that I became self conscious; after that, I became more and more aware of the fact that as I got older, I looked more and more Asian, and when I photographed pictures, I looked Asian. When I gelled my hair – people would mistake me for fully Chinese, or at least “you look like a Chinese” (in broken English).
It then dawned on me why for so long I had attempted to hide my heritage and if indeed I was privileged – but yet not privileged as the blue eyed / blond haired men that are fabled to run around Asia getting thousands of lays.
It then dawned on me that the combination of all of these factors found their root in having a mother who was just like the Asian women I saw around me who chased foreigners; my insecurity and flirtation with white supremacy all stemmed from a deep seated self hatred and from the lack of having parents who were able to instill proper self esteem in me, and even if they had the subconscious micro aggressions that I as a Hapa receive from White males and Asian women around me are a constant reminded of exactly who I am, and who I am not.
Frankly it DOES NOT MAKE SENSE that a Hapa child can have healthy development since these relationships are so common and often times so vile; and I challenge anyone to really answer the question why these relationships are so common and how the children born from them are able to be raised by two people so diametrically opposed to their own self interests.