I’m not looking for pity. I’m relatively “famous” now as the most outspoken Eurasian despite my refusal to show my face, but the only reason I do that is to prevent more heartache on my father, a man who is kept out of the abyss by a flimsy little thread called devout Christianity. To this day he still believes it was pure love from my mother.
Really, I’m not seeking pity. I’m sure there are a ton of Eurasians (re: gay, or really tall due to having robust moms) out there that are successful or have found some method of coping. If anything I want people to look at me and for once in their lives admit to themselves how brutal this world is.
But the real tragedy here is my lost potential; Ivy League educated, intelligent, tall, good looking, placed in accelerated programs since I was a child, called a genius by professionals, called by Rhodes scholars in my classes that I was the most brilliant student at our university, connected to one of the most prominent Asian families in New York, and it was only through careful introspection that I came to the conclusion that everything in my life was the result of evolution, sexual selection that valued a certain phenotype above all else. People will say; some women like Asian men. Some. And they are some exceptions.
Anything I can do will only be seen as the result of me having a white father, no more, no less.
It’s no wonder that Eurasians wind up on drugs and living hedonistically for as long as they can; we are, to all extents, the most naturally “aware” of all races, who recognize both how lucky we are and how absolutely fucked up it has to be this way. There is literally not a Eurasian man on earth who will disagree with that statement.
I was at the top of my class, among 20 students honored out of a class of 1,000; highly decorated as a student, well-liked, until that fateful day that I was told over and over that I was Asian, and then I looked at my own parents’ photographs and realized that even the one person who I should trust – also valued whiteness over Asianness.
And how was I supposed to recover from that? How was Elliot Rodger ever supposed to recover from the fact that his own mother admitted to him that he was born accidentally during one of her trysts with a white man?
It doesn’t matter that some people don’t think like this; but ones own parents?! And then he has to leave his house over and over and over and see Asian women literally throwing themselves at white men? What the FUCK does that mean about us?
People say he was autistic; people said that I was autistic, but I wasn’t. I was outspoken, loud, even a bully at one point and now I’m nothing but a massively wasted potential.
It’s strange that these so called “master race” Eurasians are using their abilities to not do good, but for antisocial purposes.
And that’s what this blog is: it’s anti-social. It’s designed to instill in people the same doubt and fear that I have, knowing that I cannot look at my mother and father the same way again in light of what I know about race, knowing that I have no place to go where I would be accepted, knowing that anything I do will be viewed in light of my race. It’s essentially a lengthy suicide note that dictates exactly the thought process of someone who was ruined and wrecked by this sick world and that’s why I have people who aren’t even Eurasian telling me they like me.
And that’s what all life is. All life is a game, which most people refuse to acknowledge because of the utter fear of recognizing that to eat, someone must starve; it can’t possibly be like that, they’ll say. But it is like that – you just refuse to look past your four walls and see the people starving.
Literally I’m surrounded by good, decent, hardworking Asian men and I have to walk around knowing that no matter what they did, they would have been deemed inferior – so what the fuck am I?
It doesn’t matter what one’s parents tell one; parents lie to their kids. They tell them they’re amazing; but who wouldn’t?
I refuse to live a life where I have to “accept” the privilege of being half white, so that I can shit on other people, or at least ignore them, similarly to how Asian women and white men shit on and ignore other people; that’s not a life to me.
Because I am a good person. I’ve always been a good person.
I’m not the first person to observe this but I am one of the first Eurasians to actually pinpoint exactly what it feels like to be Eurasian… I am one of the first to vocalize the self doubt that every human being has deep down but refuses to acknowledge because they have an innate natural block on any suicidal tendencies. I don’t.
I do consider all Asian women and white men responsible for what happened to me. I really do; not only for the fact that my father was “ideal,” tall, handsome, 6’3″ and white, an athlete, and my mother somewhat attractive… but only because their refusal to acknowledge the truth and refusal to admit that it was only a matter of time before someone like me figured it out, one of their representative ‘master race’ Hapas…. it really is their fault.
And before anyone says… you take responsibility for your own life. No. It’s not like that – you’re dictated your own worth by the general behavior of the populace. A bathroom cleaner has zero room for upward mobility, whereby the general behavior of Asian women in fact does reinforce the notion that Asian men are inferior to the extent that it can no longer be denied.