Explaining extreme behavior of young Eurasian males, Part 15

I’m going for total transparency. I try to explain being Eurasian as best as I can. I’m not pretending to be a moral or good person. I am exactly what I am, meaning I was born from two people whose intentions were never clear. You can develop your own theories; Oedipal, Freudian, emasculation, narcissism, failed expectations, mental illness, hybrid depression, anything you want, but I will tell you what it’s like.

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When I see stories like this, the first thing I think is that, shit, I was almost there. Please believe me. Being a Eurasian male is something almost inexplicably terrifying to ourselves. Not to all of us, but to some of us.

I hold back on a lot of my explanations for two reasons.

  • I have the number one half-Asian blog, if not website, on the internet right now so eventually I’m going to catch the eye of someone who knows me. This would essentially be familial suicide.
  • I don’t want to genuinely talk about the kind of mental illness I went under out of fear of… whatever. You guess. Flashing lights, sirens, etc. Sad to say, I went through a phase like that, but I’m over it now, ironically after keeping this blog.
  • During this phase I felt like I was no longer in control. It’s hard to explain, when your mind is so far gone that you feel as if you no longer own your own actions. I felt like I was being trapped in my own appearance, desperate to claw my way out by any means. And the rage, and anger. The sense of being abandoned, the loneliness, the isolation.

I myself admit that I’m a far cry from how either the Asian community or the white community would expect of someone from my educational background.

I also admit that, as far as my readers can tell, I’m “not all there,” I’m a very emotionally damaged person, hurt at a deep level and deeply distrustful of human beings. I am not a good person, I am in fact probably the complete opposite of what a Tiger Mom and a conservative dad – or any kind of upstanding human being – would want from a child. Again, far from the “Eurasian” master race myth, but…

There’s one thing I know and that is that my kind of problem isn’t unique. Up until I went to college I never met another Eurasian male with a white father except for one, who was half Philippino and huge.

I thought this absence was unusual in retrospect. Most of the Eurasians I knew were girls with white fathers or either gender with Asian fathers. It’s as if we were just dropping like flies early on.

I want to explain why guys like the above story are pulling knives on people.

We snap, that’s all it is, really, and the reason is because we feel as if we have no hope.

It’s not like full Asians, who have the hope of becoming rich and getting married. With Eurasians we’re essentially told from birth that looking how we look is somehow a crime.

Full Asian guys say, hey, at least my mom and dad love me, they support me and wish the best for me. For Eurasian guys, it’s like, we don’t even know our own parents. We don’t know who they are. They don’t even know who they are. I mean if you think about it you have two people from totally different backgrounds getting together for reasons that neither one of them is perfectly clear about…. and if they were clear about it, they’d be bad fucking reasons.

Essentially the fetishization clouds their relationship so much that they wind up having such a weird, weird dynamic between the two, and more often than not they converse in broken English. Sometimes I wonder if my mother’s frustration also stemmed from her inability to express herself clearly.

I mean, Christ, just think about it. Just think about it for a moment.

  • It’s an Asian woman being penetrated by a white man. His arm around her in all your photos. White dominating Asian.
  • You go online and see people who look like you absent from everywhere. From pornos, from books, from movies. You see Keanu Reeves, that’s all.
  • You look Asian, but you don’t. You can’t be Asian. Your dad is white. You can’t be.
  • You go out and try to make friends. Then the jokes start. Small dick this, chink that.
  • You say, fuck this, I’m going to be proud to be Asian.
  • Then you realize that Asian men around you are a laughing stock as well.
  • You catch your mom watching Bradley Cooper. She’s watching pale, big nosed white guys that look just like your dad. Forget Oedipal – talk Freudian. 
  • You look Asian. Even your own dad thinks Asian jokes are funny. He’s totally aloof. Even your own mom thinks they’re funny.
  • Your mom makes comments about your tall nose, your eyes, as if you are a doll. You’re not Asian, she says. But you are.
  • You begin to hate everything about yourself. Your hair texture. It looks Asian. Your nose looks Asian. Your eyes look a little bit Asian. You want to just… claw them out, pull your fucking hair out. You’re white. My dad is white.
  • Maybe you’re good looking, maybe you’re not. It doesn’t matter – because you’re still a chink and good looking chinks don’t matter.
  • You begin to feel trapped, and hopeless. The Hapa beauty myths don’t help. Most people just look at you like a chink. You complain to your mom, but she’s in the arms of a man who looks exactly like the people calling you a chink, day in, and day out.
  • Boom. You realize that you’re in the defeated class – but who defeated you? 
  • Wait for it – your own parents, the people who should have been with you since day one. And not only that, but it dawns on you that Asian culture itself, the culture you were raised halfway in, was and is so callous as to not give a single shit about your wellbeing. It was as if, here’s some white blood, deal with it.
  • Boom.

It’s all incredible bizarre. And it has to do with something I still haven’t figured out yet. Just the insane degree of cruelty present in Asian culture that places the individual last, or the massive degree of racism in white culture, just combined for a nuclear level meltdown.

I’m past it now. I’ve moved on. It’s just fair to point out that being Eurasian born in the 1980’s meant that we went through an incubation period. I think this blog should just be a monument to the shit we had to deal with. It takes thirty years for a person to cook fully and within those thirty years some of us just can’t take the heat.

28 thoughts on “Explaining extreme behavior of young Eurasian males, Part 15

  1. @Eurasian Writer:

    As you know, I’m Eurasian female, but the descriptions of your experiences are pretty much duplicate of what I experienced. Only I was born in the 70’s, so I was way more clueless and way more isolated growing up. It wasn’t until I went to college that I slowly started to figure things out. And I had to figure all this sh*t out without the internet. But I realized something was wrong in college, when every single hapa I met had a white dad. I never would have thought back in the 90’s that things would eventually blow up on the internet, and one day there would be millions of Eurasians around the world who lived through the same WMAF parenting ordeal I lived through.

    It’s stunning that so much of our existence is based on looks. That somehow, because of our white blood, we are all supposed to grow up to either be models, actors, or multi-millionaires. After I finally grew out of the severe depression, near suicide, and insanity of my 20’s and early 30’s, I finally made a decent living and have a pretty good career now. But this didn’t happen till my mid-30’s, and today I make an honest albeit modest living. In about half of the conversations that I have with my mother, she never fails to point out that so-and-so (invariably one of her friends kids) is a multi-millionaire by now, blah, blah, blah. Of course, those kids who did so well are all full asian, and grew up with two loving parents who fostered pride in their asian identity. Those kids later built social and economic ties in various Asian communities. They were not socially shunned as I was, because they were full asian and not half white. They also didn’t have a bipolar, abusive, asperger’s white dad, or a paranoid, narcissistic, verbally abusive, low-self esteem asian tiger mom. My mom seems to resent the fact that I’m half white yet never became the multi-millionaire or actress she thinks Eurasians should be destined to be. And let me be clear here. She blames this on me. Yet how many ultra rich Eurasians, actors, or models do you see in American media born from WMAF who don’t pass as white? Out of the millions of us, virtually none. In fact, you see more pure Asians on American T.V. who fit the rich, successful description. So much for the master Eurasian race. It’s just unbelievably, incredibly, undescribably sad.

  2. @ Eurasian Writer:

    First off, I can’t believe you posted a picture of yourself in your profile. That’s balsy. Kudos to you. I could never do it due to family / Asian shame and my vows of silence to my mother. You are, in fact, good-looking. But that seems to re-inforce and justify WMAF, just by saying it lol.

    Secondly, yes you may post my above post on Reddit.

    Thirdly, I’ve always purposely left out my dating / marriage history and the exact asian ethnicity of my mother, because of the extreme paranoia I have about revealing my identity. Probably due to all the vows of silence I took with my mother growing up. But let’s just say my relationship history has been stormy due to bad role modeling, and men of all ethnicities, but all dysfunctional. I’m currently in a serious relationship, which is my first functional / healthy relationship, but not quite married.

    The whole dating thing, if you are Eurasian, is hard I think. Asian men I dated seemed to want either a white woman or a pure asian woman, and hated the fact that my parents were WMAF, they always interrogated me as to my parents relationship and how I was raised, and finally one of my ex boyfriends refused to see my parents at all. Most of those Asian men were also alpha types (career, looks, pedigree) with lots of women, and they did not take me seriously. I always wondered in the back of my head if it’s because I was Eurasian, mixed. But it was probably more so the fact that it took me a long time to settle into a career, which made me look unfocused and not so responsible (which is tied into my Eurasian history and depression), and those Asian guys back then wanted high-earning career types. Black men seemed to also prefer their own ethnicity (based on comments about black women’s superior features), or wanted to be with me for my whiteness (token trophy). White men would make comments like “you talk a lot, you’re not very Asian”. They wanted either stereotypical docile pure asian, or hot white women. And Eurasian men – I only dated three because there are just not very many of them my age. And they were a bit nuts. They also seemed to prefer either pure Asian or pure white, based on their dating history and who they would check out. It’s been a total mess.

    I learned that humanity can be downright awful and not to trust anyone. But at least I have been able to date a lot, which seems to indicate that some Eurasian girls may indeed have it better than Eurasian boys, in general. Dating a lot is definitely better than not dating at all, even if you’re going on crappy dates. In my opinion, if you are Eurasian, you are lucky to find someone, anyone, who loves you in spite of who your parents are, and does not require some type of pure race, super good-looking, high income pedigree.

  3. @Eurasian Writer Thank you for writing this blog. I, too am a hapa, except I’m not half white, but a couple of my cousins are. I wanted to understand better my own parents’ relationship as well as my extended family’s. I agree with what you have said on this blog and found my observations to align with all that is outlined here on this site. Many females believe that Asian males are not masculine including Asian females. There are attractive people in all groups, I believe, but find that those who fall into groups that are negatively stereotyped are at a great disadvantage. Also white males feel they are superior to all other races of men; even if they don’t verbalize it I can tell by their body language that they feel uncomfortable with other races of men get their white women or Asian women. I’ve had some white males when they find out that I’m mixed and that my mother was Asian and father black actually become angry at me. Before I didn’t understand, but now I have a lot more clarity because of what you’ve written. Many white men for some reason think Asian women are their property and put down Asian males and are very resentful towards AM.

    The whole dynamics of WM/AF is very unhealthy from the reasons you have stated on your blog. My mother is also an Asian female, but I am pegged as black american even though my father is not black american. From what I’ve observed I think black/Asian females are in a similar situation as Asian/white males like yourself because of the hypodescent rule. I don’t have evidence to back it up, but I think black/Asian females probably have a hard time finding a husband (or someone who wants to have a serious relationship.) I’ve felt close to my Asian side, but have been ostracized and bullied by Asians, Blacks, and Whites.

    I see my mother and other Asian females have all these men that would court them, but these same men would never give me the time of day. Because of this, I get really depressed by it all. What makes me more furious is how people try to play it off that I don’t know my mother’s culture (She’s an ABC, and I’m sure I understand more about Chinese culture than she; As I can read, write, and speak Chinese.)Yet people always treat me and say I am only black-even after I tell them. Then my mother and other Asian females have the audacity to tell me that black females are seen as desirable dating and marriage material. I stopped arguing with them because it came to no longer arguing the facts with these people, but them just refusing the truth of what I see right in front of me. Many males have told me straight up that they don’t want to be with black females because they don’t want to have black kids and have their kids suffer. I know the suffering all to well as my blackness has closed so many doors in my face. Many Asian people have looked at me with disgust. I also understand how WM/AF males are snapping. There really is no mental health resources for people in our situation. Mixed race people have different struggles than monoracial people even though we may look monoracial to most people.

    I wish these people that produced mixed race offspring like us would understand how devastating it really is for us. Other people don’t give a damn about our plight and we can’t go to our parents because they suffer from deep seated mental issues. And one more thing, one of my hapa male cousins (from a WM/AF union) seems like he is schizophrenic, but before he became very mentally ill, he would mention and we discussed much of what you say on this blog. Thank you again for writing this blog, not only does it help Eurasians, but it also helps other hapas.

    • Exactly! We have no mental resources at all for us and WMAW and especially Asian women sweep it under the carpet in an attempt to save face to society. All these HapaMama blogs are all about their marriages to white men but they make no attempt to help their kids and try to speak for their five year old kids as if they own them.

      The buck stops here. If what I say is true, which it is, this website will continue to climb in rankings until it becomes way more visible.

      How did you find this place btw?

      • I google searched half Asian, suicide rates, and mental health issues. Your website was among the search results. You know how they have organizations for Adult Children from Dysfunctional Families or Organizations for Transracial Adoptees? I wanted to find out if there are any organizations for hapas on how to deal with identity and psychological issues. Some monoracial people I’ve spoken to suggested that I get in touch with people who have an Asian parent (ideally the person having an Asian mother – because that is my situation) so that perhaps we can discuss how to overcome the psychological trauma we have endured.

        It would be great if there was a discussion group (organization) where suggestions, strategies, and resources could be implemented to help with healing, but I find that this would be difficult to organize. For one, I find that some mixed Asians are so stuck on their identity issues that they can’t see the bigger picture of what really needs to be addressed, that is, stuff that are within our control instead of stuff outside of our control. (like many mixed people get caught up on will they be identify and classify as mixed race etc. How should I identify myself? First off, no one cares what we identify ourselves as. People will treat us according to how we look. The end. ) Two, a lot of these Asian women as you mentioned want to save face. Three, there is this idea of filial piety where we have to respect our parents; I for one have decided that has gone out the window for me because I am mixed. If my mother wanted to maintain Chinese traditions, she should have married another Chinese person; That’s not my hangup; that’s hers. Unfortunately I have to deal with the fallout on my own. Four, I think with the save face mentality and filial piety we’ve been exposed to, perhaps many hapas suffer from some sort of Stockholm Syndrome that we makes it difficult to detach ourselves from our own upbringing. Five, I think some of these hapa groups may focus on the family dynamic of interracial relationships, but really I would hope to see something solely for the offspring. To be blunt, I don’t see the parents of these mixed race offspring to spearhead or even encourage their children to attend an organization that explores the racial and power dynamics of these interracial relationships- because it would be exposing the flaws of the relationships and these couples do not want to confront reality or the truth.

        As I mentioned in my previous comment, my mother is an ABC. Her parents were from Southern China and had their own laundry service as a business- so it was very isolating for her and her siblings to interact with the Bak gwei (barbarians)- they were not allowed to have any friends and grew up in an all white neighborhood. When I was growing up, my mother would tell me the same things, she heard from her own parents. That I was a disgrace and an embarrassment to her as well as the fact that she was disgusted with me. And that I was acting like the barbarians (anyone non-Chinese); but it was so confusing to me because she married a barbarian (non-Chinese). And I could never attain that status of being the perfect Chinese daughter (that she so much wanted me to attain since she herself seemed to have failed in this) because I was not nor would I ever be Chinese enough. My name in itself shows no indication of Chinese or any Asian ancestry for that matter.

        In college, I did attend a mixed race organization and unfortunately I was not welcomed there. I was questioned on my parentage and then subsequently ignored; Needless to say, I never went back there again and had for a long while didn’t want to be bothered with other mixed people. After I graduated college, I ran into some other mixed people that were okay. I even ran into a couple of hapas during my time overseas and they were actually very understanding and saw the commonality in our situations with having Asian mothers. This experience had changed my opinion of half white hapas and made me receptive to reading your blog posts.

        My other experiences with half white hapas has been quite negative (experiences unfortunately including my WM/AF hapa cousins). My cousins considered me only black and seemed to feel some sense of superiority compared to me and my siblings because they are half white. That air of superiority is definitely real among some hapas. I hope that all of us who are hapa, regardless of whatever race our non-Asian parent is, can come together and see that we have similar struggles and that we can learn from each other and learn to overcome these problems that we face in today’s society. Thank you again for providing an honest open space for all hapas!

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