I am a formerly well liked, handsome, outgoing, popular, Dartmouth educated Eurasian man born to a Chinese mother who sought out marriage into the powered WASP class – but then realized too late that the man she married was an underemployed, emotionally damaged male – and she essentially killed herself. At around age 20 I encountered anti-Asian racism and due to inheriting my father’s entitlement to the world, I was unprepared to deal with it; I am emotionally unstable, self-loathing, addicted, underemployed, have strong intimacy issues, and unable to form proper relationships due to my self-hatred instilled on me during the first 20 years of my life. Unlike other Eurasians who find self-esteem in underpaid modeling jobs, my self-implosion has been broadcast to the world to the point that I am internet famous. I am not afraid to be as viciously honest as I need to be in order to speak on the reality of this world.
Imagine being raised by two racists – your own parents. Your own mother wanted a white man, yet here you are – a half Asian, a man who looks very Asian. Except you have a white father. Is it possible to raise a healthy child considering the loaded, white-worshipping nature of yellow fever and white fever? How can a biracial child be expected to be normal if he looks Asian, and the entire basis of his parents’ relationship was that the man not be Asian? How can Asian women outmarry at such high rates, have an open ‘white fetish,’ and expect Asian looking sons to be emotionally well adjusted?
In short: I am the son of a foreign born Asian woman from Hong Kong who deliberately married a tall, red-haired, blue eyed, bearded white man. She, like many Asian women, sought out a man who had a “Western” background so that she could feel integrated into her new home, and better than her fully Asian peers. She was by and large mentally ill, violent, abusive, cruel towards my father when he wasn’t making enough money, extremely controlling, and had self-image issues, changing her entire appearance to “look white.” She did not and never did love my father, and only used him because he was white.
This man was interested in Asian culture and married because he was socially unable to marry a white woman due to his political beliefs and personality quirks (he is very socially conservative, a Holocaust denier and anti-Semite, extremely homophobic, very shy, not many friends, belief that white women are too liberated, extremely meek and unable to make eye contact with others, steps off the sidewalk when larger men approach, unwilling to work or make money for fear of violating Christian scripture).
I was raised largely as a white child, yet turned more Asian in appearance with age. I was raised in an environment that had an undercurrent of anti-Asian male racism (America), saw Asian women (including almost all of them in my own family) throw themselves at white men, and also an over-current of false Eurasian myths about beauty and intelligence. I subconsciously always believed myself to be “less” because my own mother and her sisters all were married to white men and adamantly denied I was Asian for a decade.
My parents’ relationship was loveless, violent and broken due to her disillusionment with my father after ten years as he failed to make enough money, and grew balder and fatter and no longer lived up to the White male Prince Charming she had wanted (separate bedrooms, forced to sleep on the couch, extreme violent fighting). My brother and I suffered extreme psychological and physical abuse (beaten with coat hangers by our mother, Tiger Mommed, had her threaten to kill herself in front of us, threatened to crash the car with us in it while driving at 90 mph), and her behavior became worse and worse as she realized that her white husband wasn’t making as much money as her brother and sister, who both married Chinese partners. This is a story of someone who was very sick, and in recovery.
When I got older, despite the fact that society told me that I was “unique” for being Eurasian, I was treated with contempt by both white people AND Asian people; Asian women would often express disgust at me for being Asian, and white people would constantly remind me that I was Asian in a way to demean and undermine me. This caused me to self implode from a popular, outgoing Eurasian to becoming a recluse and suicidal.
Two years after writing the below, I am leaving it word for word, as I wrote it, as proof of how I felt and feelings I still struggle with as a male of Asian heritage who clearly looks Asian, born to a mother who thought of Asian men as beneath her. I am highly educated, formerly well liked, popular, handsome, out going and like many Eurasians I burned out in my twenties with the realization that people, even Asian women, hate my Asian side, so now I’ve turned my talents towards exposing the last bastion of White supremacy in the world as candidly as I can. I am literally dissecting White male / Asian women couples and the Eurasian identity to a degree that nobody else ever has.
I actually moved to China (which saved my life) in order to escape racism and feelings of inferiority – and was shocked on learning that my own mother (and many other Chinese) had moved to America in order to find the American dream – a dream that hated me for my Asian blood.
I highly recommend that any potential parent to half-Asian children make sure that they are marrying on a clean slate – with zero fetishism, zero white-worship, and zero undertones of racial hierarchies – and that they be completely honest about this, to avoid sending more young man down the path that I went.
I am doing this for every single half-Asian kid out there who has committed suicide, thought about suicide, suffered from racism, isolation, outcasting, and had two parents whose entire relationship was nothing but lust, selfishness, even hatred – leaving us with nothing but perpetual isolation. The world does not care about Hapa males if you look average or even a little bit Asian. The world – even Asian women, who truly believe that they are white – only care about whiteness and white men.
- In short, we Hapa men, are Asian-looking men born from Asian women who overtly believed Asian men were inferior or unattractive or unmarriageable in every way; and our fathers were racist (or clueless) enough to support this by virtue of their desire for sex and partnership. The entire basis of our existence is that Asian women found Asian men inferior to white (or non Asian). White men will never admit this but it is by and large true.
- Asian women, and only Asian women, are the only group of women on the planet who marry outside of their race more than any other race of women, bar none. This obviously indicates that Asian women are unique in the regard that they value white supremacy and believe race to be of utmost importance. Asian women are also privileged in that they are highly valued and sexualized by whites, permitted to intermarry by white males, but we, their sons, are not. If a half Asian son looks even remotely Asian, he will face discrimination from men and women, even by Asian women like his mother. While Asian women are “accepted” into white countries, Asian men, including their own sons, are not. Why would an Asian looking Hapa – who gets humiliated and rejected romantically for being Asian – be proud that his own mother had “white fever?”
- We Hapas / Eurasians / Half-Asian people are almost overwhelming born from white fathers, implying that Asian features, when on a male, indicate undesirability, not only romantically, but by society itself. Around teenaged years and college I came into contact with bullying, comments about my Asian appearance, and “I don’t really like Asian guys,” from girls – even Asian girls. That made me lose almost all respect for my mother.
- The myth of “Hapa / half-Asian beauty” is just a myth used to justify extreme racism from Asian women who wanted “hotter” white men, integration, or status; and if we are not beautiful, or just look Asian, we are just reminded that Asian men are at the bottom of the hierarchy socially, romantically, as evidenced by even our own mothers’ choices. The entire value of Hapas then, becomes his looks or his ability to not look Asian, and if he fails to meet this criteria he will be poorly equipped to deal with it. Since Asian women are obsessive about traditionally white features such as white skin, tall noses, deep eyes – a Eurasian’s value is therefore how white he looks. We are also expected to submit to white male supremacy, where we face almost daily reminders that, “oh, of course it’s your mom who is Asian.”
- I, like many Hapas who look more “Asian” went through long periods of self-hatred, sexual intimacy issues, self-harm, body dysmorphia, in an attempt to match up more with the “white” standard of male beauty; a good example was losing sixty pounds in three months to look whiter, considering dyeing my hair, cutting my hair very short to maintain a lighter natural color, refusing to have photographs of myself taken for years, refusing to look at pictures of my parents, refusing to look in the mirror (which I still don’t do), suicide attempts and overall shame at being of Asian heritage when my own mother was one of millions who “preferred” white men. Naturally it made more sense to be proud to be white rather than proud to be Asian.
- Feminist claims of cultural flaws of Asian men also conveniently coincide with Asian men being rated the least desirable and the white men, like my father, being tall and blue eyed. Moreover, my father as with many other Hapas’ fathers was an extreme cultural conservative and vitriolic anti-feminist, as well as borderline autistic, unable to find a white woman due to his extreme views and shy personality and by no surprise an Asiaphile (speaks Asian languages, loves Japanese films, martial arts, “honor” culture). Both of my parents were extremely racist against blacks; my mother thought she was white and my father hated white women for their liberalism.
- Don’t believe me, ask for proof and I’ll provide; I literally am taking a monumental risk writing this blog as the details are fairly specific.
- My father was borderline-autistic, unable to make eye contact, and saw Asian women as a “replacement white woman” when he was unable to get a white woman; my mother saw his blue eyes and height and saw him as a ticket to integration and higher status in her new life in the west.
- Like many other White Male / Asian women couples the marriage was completely loveless, sexless, and angry; after marriage, naturally the marriage disintegrated because she never actually loved him, only what he represented.
- I am asked to take pride in being Asian – but realize that the fact that my father is White means that being Asian is a flaw; I am so used to comments about “of course your father is white,” “ching chong,” “small dick,” that I take no pride in such an obvious fact, so while Asian women are celebrated and highly valued by white society, their Eurasian male children have to “brag” that even their own mothers wanted white men, reinforcing our inferiority. This isn’t like with half-black men who can brag that their own mothers wanted men who looked like them. We have to brag about bearing the physical features (eyes, hairlessness) that are objects of humiliation by white people…. and then admitting that our own mothers didn’t want them either?
- On top of all these issues there is the actual experience of being Eurasian which at best is extremely confusing, draining, stressful, and loaded with societal implications of inferiority and superiority. The cliche is that whites don’t view us as white and constantly remind us of our Asian blood – while Asian men view us as the children of traitors and Asian women are either completely aloof from you unless you fit the “beautiful” Hapa myth. Asian women either want full white men – or full Asian men (less likely), so Hapa males are essentially stuck. Essentially everyone dislikes you for nothing you have any control over.
- It simply does not make sense for an Asian woman who, like millions of others, views Asian men as worthless, then has a half Asian son, and expect him to accept this, rationally. There is no political thesis or alignment that can explain the massive imbalance other than one that is self evident to no one but the children of these relationships and this blog looks to understand and expose them. In fact, none of it makes sense; it’s completely absurd.
- At the end of the day, despite all the criticism leveled as Asian men, the defense-mechanisms of WMAW couples, and myriad excuses until the end of time – we still are Eurasian men born from uniformly White fathers, and we are left to figure out their sick, racist baggage.
Asian women and their insistence on marrying and having children with white men is not something based on love, but rather (at worst) on hate (largely of Asian men) or at best un-attraction, yet their sons are Asian men and we are taught from birth that love is not colorblind (I’ll discuss how loveless and hateful my parents’ marriage was, later in this essay).
I have come across enough Asian women who thought I was beneath them, to believe that all of us, their half asian sons, must resent our parents in order to truly punish them. Contrarily, embracing this and finding solace in hedonism with white women would effectively mean that I have to admit that I am able to do so because I am half-White; and this is not a moral or healthy choice. I would rather embrace my Asianness and expose these issues – as very few other Hapas are willing to. I no longer want to sit by and watch the hypocrisy and hatred flying through the Asian community and the effect this has on people much more susceptible than me (as you can see how susceptible I was two years ago).
For reference, I am in my 20’s, look similar to a whiter version of Hong Kong celebrity Daniel Wu (the kind of Hapa that looks white to some; Asian to others; yet photographs more Asian; porcelain white skin that sunburns, very dark brown, thick and difficult to maintain hair, brown-greenish eyes, hairless chest and arms but hairy legs), am Ivy League educated and from a considerably wealthy Chinese American family on the East Coast (the wealth is not mine, directly). I also have one mentally ill brother, in his 30’s, unemployed, institutionalized and a virgin, who looks significantly more Asian than me. My father was, when younger, 6’3″, blue eyed, red haired and with a large beard, my mother 5’3″ or 5’4″, slender, with dyed red hair, colored contacts, and a sexless and unhappy marriage as long as I can remember.
We are lauded up as some kind of beautiful Hapa miracle children, but in reality we are born out of nothing other than cultural fetishization and the pursuit of certain physical attributes, neither of which we are capable of having, since we are, after all, Asian men.
Only after we are born do our parents begin to panic and start trying to instill self-esteem in us by teaching us about our heritage (my parents trying to teach me Chinese, pushing me into Taekwondo, Karate and learning to use chopsticks), falsely encouraging us to believe that we will be accepted by whites, or worse, by Asians, the same Asians that our mothers were trying to escape from. The irony of teaching Hapas to be proud to be Asian when Asian women are willfully throwing themselves at white men, is staggering. Even worse is that we are not accepted by Asians and routinely reminded of our Asian heritage by our white friends / coworkers / classmates to the point that the psychological stress becomes unbearable.
A good example was when in college my friends would say, in a demeaning tone: “you look more Asian when you lose weight;” “you have an Asian look to you, do you wear glasses,”
But it’s obvious by just going outside, where you can see White male / Asian woman couples sitting next to other white male / Asian woman couples they don’t even know – that love is not colorblind, and as a Eurasian male this became evident to me in my teens, despite the fact that I do not look that Asian.
In fact, Hapas and Eurasians are still treated as Asians by discerning whites (anyone who bothers to make the distinction will not make the distinction between full, and half) turned down not only by white women but by also Asian women, subject to jokes and insults by the white majority where he is, and then outcast by full Asians who view him as an oddity.
Hapas and Eurasians are supposed to merely accept that white men were the ideal in their mothers’ eyes, and that no matter what we will never be the full white person, or allowed entry into white culture, the same one that our mothers had such an easy time integrating with.
The only reason that talking about this is taboo is because of our culture in which such sensitive subjects of race and gender are immediately shut down in favor of a sugar-coated anti-reality that seeks to ignore that the vast, vast, vast majority of Eurasians have white fathers. So we literally see hundreds of thousands of Eurasians with white last names parading around like they are unique, when really we represent the obvious failings of Asian men to procreate.
Still don’t believe me?
If love were color blind, then there would indeed be more Asian men marrying Asian women, black women, or white women, but instead Asian women rely on their privilege to negotiate relationships with white men in a perverse form of “marrying up”. If love were honest, and good, and unbiased, then Asian women would marry black men, Indian men, and Hispanic men at the same rate that they do White men. But they do not.
If love were honest, good, and unbiased, then Asian women would be as open to dating Asian men as they are white men. But they are not.
Hapa men are unique in that they are the direct result of hatred, not love (I will explain how my parents’ marriage was in actuality later) and “breeding up,” where we are considered inferior and superior at the same time. Just look at the fetishization of Hapas as being beautiful and talented, rather than the fetishization of Asians as being beautiful and talented; Whites are assumed to be beautiful and talented and Hapas only so because we are mixed with whites. After we are born, we are paraded around as accessories, our own mothers treating us preferentially on how Asian or un-Asian we look, all to the background of our parents’ marriage collapsing (e.g., separate bedrooms, constant fighting) since it was never based on the love in the first place.
We are a unique group of people who are destroyed the second we are conceived, and grow to become aware of the seething hatred our own mothers were capable of the minute we reach young adulthood. We literally are Asian men (even though some of us don’t even look that Asian, whites still remind us that we are) born to Asian women who, for whatever reason, savagely hated Asian men – then on top of that, our own fathers took these sadistic women into their homes and asked us to listen to their authority and advice on how to conduct our lives, because they believed that Asian women were deferential to whites. We are therefore the most unstable and at risk people on earth, and seek to destroy our own families, as mine as been destroyed with my dead mother and my pathetic, impoverished father and schizophrenic brother. I have nothing to live for – my belief in love and meaning is shot, only believing in the realities of evolution and sexual selection.
For this reason, I refuse to be their “dream child,” I will live my life hedonistically and lazily and avoid success, and I will expose the poison that is this kind of relationship, and the lies about being Hapa, until I am dead. I am not alone in this feeling, as I’m sure there are hundreds of thousands of Hapa men who have, at one point in their life, questioned their own parents – especially with the amount of REAL LIFE hatred that these couples exhibit.
Whether they do this for status or for appearance is not relevant, though I do think that it is probably for the sake of appearance, since the taller build, wider face, and healthier skin color of white men might be the main reason why Asian women chase white males. Regardless of their reasons, they clearly will not stop doing it, and completely ignore the massive negative repercussions this has on their children, like me.
- Hapa sons inherit all of the physical qualities that make Asian men unattractive, with the added advantage that we know that our own mothers attempted to breed it out. In my case I looked significantly “whiter” when I was younger and gradually, into my 20’s, began to look more Asian and was ill equipped to deal with the fallout from this. For example, on being told several times that I “looked more Asian” – as an insult, and denied relationships because (she) “didn’t like Asians,” made me realize that love itself isn’t real, as we would imagine it.
- These physical characteristics include: smaller frame from our mothers, narrower rib cage, larger heads, oily skin, thick, unmanageable hair, narrower jaws, lack of normal skin coloring (a lot of Hapas have really pale skin, rather than reddish or tan), adiposity around the mid-section and chest, etc.
- The Hapas who somehow deny this look white enough to “pass,” are gay, or essentially are so drawn in by the honeyed lies of their parents that they could never possibly imagine them being as awful as they were.
I was born of this relationship and to this day, I remain full of self hatred, lost, confused, and destined to die by my own hand, or to die having run to the furthest corners of the world, now for five years, to get away from the very thing that birthed me. I will, as a result, maybe as one of the only things I may accomplish in my life, write about the insanity of these relationships, how they are the ugliest thing on earth, and how they lead to pure disaster for their male children. I have long been known as eccentric, odd, weird, lost, all the while despite being described as “beautiful,” having had men and women photograph me randomly on the subway (seriously), having women balk at me in public, being labeled as gorgeous and as “the most handsome man” they’ve known in real life by my straight male, taller, more successful white friends; the day before Elliot Rodger’s massacre I even reached out to him on a popular forum and told him that I identified with his feelings, his self-doubt, his narcissism, his issues with his mother, and I said that they were uniquely Hapa male issues.
So, these relationships are corrupt, for the following reasons:
1) The white males (who range from anything from Anglo to Jewish to even Turkish), in many cases, view the Asian female as an easy alternative to white women, and as a valid vessel to propagate the continuation of their intelligent, master-race “genes,” whereas white women are seen as being sexually perverse, and prone to mating and having relations with the “lesser races.” My father is a strong example, having long harbored extremely religious, white-supremacist, and misogynist viewpoints; I was essentially raised as a white child, read western literature every night growing up, and spoon-fed antisemitic and conspiracy theory beliefs since childhood.
Some, in many ways, would consider my father a Men’s Rights Activist, or to a lesser extent, a MGTOW, who, like many other white men, felt entitled to a world where God reigned, valued the white man, and white civilization, rewarded the white man for being white, and, when white women failed to recognize his inherent “power,” (instead choosing to lie down with black males, or to party, or embrace liberalism or feminism), Asian women, of course, were the next best choice. I also know this because having come across numerous other blogs (reddit.com/r/hapas, hapasons.wordpress.com, stuffeurasianslike.wordpress.com) that talk about the same issue, my case seemed remarkably common. My father, for example, believes the Nazis were heroes, and my mother even called the police on him, when we were growing up, for talking about how the Holocaust never happened.
He strongly supports Mel Gibson, is an extremely devout Christian who despises gay people, believes that money is evil and that an ascetic lifestyle is divine, goes on racist rants about blacks, and vehemently hates Jews, Hollywood, and modern day American society. In this way, my “chaste,” Oriental mother was a strong alternative for him to marry, as Asian women are well known for worshiping white males (however I doubt he thought about it this way, since he’s incredibly naive). Ironically, despite all of this, my father is also a stringent Asiaphile, having strong fantasies (particularly about Japan) about Asian conservatism and social order; and even more ironically he dislikes the Chinese for their embracing of Communism.
2) The white males oftentimes are socially inept, socially awkward, or unable to compete in the modern day marketplace, both sexual and economic. My father would be diagnosed with Aspberger’s Syndrome if such a syndrome was known in his younger days. He is a social recluse, has almost no friends, listens to wave radio, believed that 9/11 was indicative of the coming Apocalypse, believes strongly in conspiracy theories that are very common to White Nationalists and anti-semites, and believes strongly in God and that God hates Jews and that the judgement day will eventually come; common to people like this, white supremacy, the belief in Aryan people at the top, with Asian people being a distant yet equal cousin, and Asian women, of course, being a healthy substitute for “hypergamous,” slutty, immoral White women, while Asian women remain “hypergamous” in their own right. I know this, because sadly, I am now both antisocial (having once been known as outgoing albeit eccentric), have long since disappeared from all of my friends, have gone through a thorough depression at the way American society was, and during the time period that I considered myself “white,” I too embraced white nationalism (sadly).
3) Asian women make divergent, opposing, and illogical statements about Asian men that will eventually find their way to their sons. The common claims from Asian women about why they don’t date Asian men come in two forms: The first is that Asian men are patriarchal, controlling, and conservative. This is a patent lie. This is a lie because the white men that they engage in relationships with are even more patriarchal, racist, and conservative, looking to Asian women as an alternative to feminist white women. The entire premise of white feminism is that white men are too controlling, patriarchal and conservative.
I know this looking at my own father, who is by far the most patriarchal, far-right individual that I know, so much so that it might have eventually contributed to my mother’s death; her rage at him, even calling the police because he had told her that the Holocaust did not happen (this is still a vivid memory in my head). Again, there are several other races that Asian women can choose from, but they only choose white men, making this a complete fabrication and lie based on faulty logic and excuses. The very fact that they are capable of framing an entire group of men as the same while saying that another group (white men) are inherently better reeks of hypocrisy and hatred that I cannot ignore or forgive. The second claim is that Asian men are ugly, unattractive, small, with small penises, which contrasts strongly with the claim that Asian men are overbearing and too patriarchal.
The horrible danger of this claim is that it trickles down to Asian women’s very own sons, who begin to SERIOUSLY doubt that their mother’s “preference” has anything to do with character, and everything to do with physicality – whereby I have come to despise my own mother with a vehement passion. Much of my history, if you care to read earlier in this blog, might stem from this ingrown self hatred that comes from being quite literally racially cuckolded by my own mother and women in my family, whose own belief that white men are physically superior mentally drains and destroys me, as her male offspring, and causes a bitter, catastrophic dichotomy within myself. Even the tiniest saying that “you look Asian” was enough to set me off, as I had long equated being Asian, in my subconscious, with being inferior, naturally.
Regardless of the “reasons,” or if sexual preference can be somehow discouraged, the very fact that it is so common and the fact that our mother’s choices were based inherently on preference for determinants of sexual / genetic health make all of our life choices irrelevant, because it is clear that ultimately our deciding factors and success in life and love are determined by our genetic makeup, so much so that our own mothers were driven in such a way to shoot down AN ENTIRE ETHNIC GROUP while giving unfair preference to another – means that any and all choices we make in life are hinged on our appearance and that nothing we can ever do can make us as attractive as a white male – as proven by our own mothers.
On top of this, I simply have no desire to be a “good son,” and merely want to either spend the rest of my life exposing these issues or, god forbid, as the title of the blog says,
kill myself, which was the original plan when this blog started. (December 2015, 2 years after the blog began, I have decided to change this and instead devote time to writing, ironically this blog having been helpful in finding my sanity).
4) Our own mothers reinforce the horrible stereotypes about Asian men. Regardless of their reasons, there are persistent stereotypes that exist in Western culture about Asian men. Whether or not they believed these stereotypes, we assume that they had no qualms about reinforcing the extreme negative image of Asian men by chasing, in droves, white men, and that our own mothers were very, very capable of betraying the possible future of their own sons by proving to the world, and their own offspring, that Asian men are and forever will be less desirable than white men. For every time that an Asian man is shot down for being Asian, the perception that Asian men are undesirable is reinforced, and our own mothers become guilty by association for actively being part of the self-congratulating group of Asian women who hate Asian men and think they are too good for Asian men. Naturally, most Hapa men who look Asian will suffer as a result and play up the fact that they are only half.
For this, my own mother is guilty, who I shall view with suspicion until my last dying breath, and I will never, ever, EVER be able to look at what she did in another way; I shall go out every day, very well aware that Asian men are so undesirable that my own mother sought to avoid them entirely, knowing that I can never, ever be viewed as desirable as them, and that any woman who notices me notices me only because I am whiter than I would otherwise be.
I really challenge anyone reading to describe exactly how a half-Asian son would not look at his parents and see either a stereotype, as WM/AW is the most stereotypical pairing, or see two people who got together on an imbalance of power that will affect their son, as well.
Or, you could keep pretending that I’m a full Asian male and just do what you do, and see what happens when millions of these maladjusted children come of age.
Asian women will deny, lie, and beat around the bush until doomsday, but they will never admit that what they do is for purely physical reasons, and they will never admit that the ramifications it has upon their children is profound and disastrous. As I have read on some other blogs, this kind of relationship is purely selfish, simply because it follows the patterns of basic biology and evolutionary psychology, while deceiving its offspring into thinking that it is normal; the whole “Hapa” children or “mixed children” are valuable and / or beautiful is nothing more than a generalization and a lie, and it soon becomes evident that mixed children are birthed from couples forming extremely unbalanced patterns that favor women over men.
The male offspring of these relationships are then put at special risk and wind up imploding, as is the case of my brother, who is 32 years old, bed ridden, schizophrenic, and so badly damaged from his combination of racist/religious white father / self hating Asian mother, that he is essentially dead.
In short, these relationships are based on the hatred of the Asian male (in some cases, with the extra bonus of hating the white female), and the overvaluation of whiteness, and the resulting offspring, should he grow up in America, be keenly aware of this societal hatred, and grow, as I did, to despise his own mother.
Mine is dead, otherwise I would make it my goal to humiliate, demean and hate her, as I simply cannot love a person who would harbor such preference, if only because she is a rotten, ROTTEN person, and it is not enough to assume that “maybe” she did not hate Asian men – as the pattern exists enough that I would sincerely doubt her excuses if she attempted to explain it away.
The only reason it is me writing this blog and not some other Hapa is because I am free from the mental compulsion that my mother would otherwise have forced on me; I started out looking white but gradually have become more Asian in appearance; I am not a coward; I have empathy towards full Asian men; I am likely of above average emotional intelligence than is commonly found among Hapas.
Edit: I hired a translator! It’s game over for sexpats worldwide.
想象一下，你从一出生就被 – 你自己的父母 – 告知你毫无价值。你自己的母亲想要一个白人男子，这下好了，半 个亚洲人，一个看上去是亚洲人的男人。除了你有一个白人父亲。
总之，我们混血男人是看上去像亚洲人、亚洲女性降生的男人，她们公然相信亚裔男人在每个方面都低劣、或无吸引力、或不适于结婚， 或者白人和白人社会更有价值; 并且我们的父辈都是足够的种族主义者（或无能），以至于他们凭借自己对性的渴望和伙伴关系来支持这一点。我们生存的整个基础就是亚洲女性发现，亚洲男性逊色于白人（或非亚洲人）。
• 我们混血儿 /欧亚混血儿/半亚洲人几乎压倒性地由白人父亲降生，这意味着亚洲人的特点放在一个男性身上时不受欢迎，不仅在罗曼史方面，社会本身也是如此。在青少年时期和在大学里，我碰到了欺负、贬低我亚洲貌的话语，和女孩说的“我真不喜欢亚洲家伙”。
• 像许多看起来更“亚洲”的混血儿一样，我经历了长时间的自我仇恨、性亲昵问题、自残、身体畸形，试图更多地匹配男性美的“白”的标准; 一个很好的例子是在三个月减肥六十镑看起来更白，考虑到染发，把头发剪得很短以保持较轻的自然颜色，多年拒绝拍摄自己的照片，拒绝看我父母的照片，拒绝照镜子（我任然不照镜子），企图自杀，和因为我自己母亲是几百万“偏爱”白人男性的人之一而具有亚裔传统时整体感到羞耻。自然地，为身为白人而不是亚洲人感到自豪更在情理之中。
• 我的父亲患有边缘自闭症，无法进行眼神接触，在他无法得到一个白人妇女时把亚洲妇女作为一个“替代的白人妇女”； 我的母亲看到他的蓝眼睛和身高，把他作为她在西方新生活以求混合和更高地位的一张机票。
• 像其他许多白人男性/亚洲女性夫妻一样，他们的婚姻完全无爱、无性、充满愤怒;结婚后，婚姻自然地解体了，因为她从来没有真正爱过他，只是爱他所代表的 – 当他未能给她提供她所期望的西方生活方式、未能匹配她兄弟姐妹的财富时，婚姻崩溃了。
• 更惨的是，白人男人和亚裔女人之间的关系代表了极端的权力不平衡，亚裔男子被看成敌人 – 而亚洲女性被种族歧视的白人当做“叛逆的”白人妇女的代理（我的父亲不断诽谤这样的事实；白人女性过于女权主义、解放或同黑人睡觉），我们欧亚混血儿童被当成白人儿子的“替补”，并被期望将在把我们看成“半下位”的文化中服从和维护白人至上主义 – 其中，我们被期望将采取保守的政治和否认任何“社会正义战士”或反种族主义行为，而且我们许多人，像马库斯·爱泼斯坦或艾略特罗杰，都这样做了。我们也被期望将成为白人和亚洲人之间的“中间人”，不如全白人，要不断地提醒这一点，并优于全亚洲人。
• 除了所有这些问题之外，还有一种作为欧亚混血儿的实际体验，这充其量是极其混乱、筋疲力尽、紧张、并充满自卑感和优越感的社会影响。老生常谈的是，白人不视我们为白人，不断提醒我们的亚洲血统 – 而亚洲男人视我们为叛徒的孩子，而亚洲女性完全疏远你，除非你符合“美丽的”混血儿的神话 – 因为大多数西化的亚洲女性要的是白人男性，而不是混血儿男性。基本上每个人都讨厌你，你无可赖何。五十多年来，我们根本没有求助 – 被告知，我们是“美丽的”，并没有对我们的状况或在世界上的位置进行解释。
• 就像数百万其他人，亚洲女性认为亚裔男人如草芥，然后则有一个半亚裔的儿子并希望他能合理地接受这一点，这根本就没有意义。没有任何政治命题或校准可以解释这种巨大的不平衡，除掉只对这些孩子是不言而喻的这些关系，这个博客看起来是要理解和揭露这些关系。事实上，这些全部没有道理的; 它是完全荒谬的。
• 在一天结束的时候，尽管所有针对亚洲男性的批评、白种男人-亚洲女人夫妻的防御机制、无数的借口，直到时间的尽头 – 我们仍然是欧亚混血儿男人，清一色地由白人父亲降生，留给我们要弄清楚这个令人难以置信的庞大的包袱，希望能够在这个越来越多、而不是越来越少的种族主义的世界上找到我们的位置。直到今天，没有人试图去做它。
我碰到过足够多的亚洲女性，她们认为我在他们之下，请相信，我们所有这些是他们半个亚洲的儿子，必须怨恨我们的父母才能真正惩罚他们。相反，拥抱这种观点并从与白人妇女的享乐主义中寻找慰藉将有效地意味着我不得不承认，我能够这样做，是因为我是个半白人; 这不是一个道德或健康的选择。我宁愿拥抱我的亚洲人特质并且揭露这些问题 – 因为很少有其他的混血儿愿意这样做。我不再想坐视虚伪和憎恨流窜亚裔社区，别人比我更容易受到这种流窜的影响（你可以看到二年前我是多么容易地受到影响）。在过去的两年里，大量欧亚混血儿犯罪分子不断在西方世界造成新闻 – 除10％以外，其余都是白人父亲和母亲亚洲; 在其他欧亚混血儿的帮助下，这个网站与其它手段一起，开始寻找答案。