My self hatred and how my mother and fathers’ loveless fetish marriage damaged me; Why I beg non-Asians to understand; and how I became an extreme racist and anti-semite to cover my insecurity

My mother was not a feminist. My father is a paleoconservative, far right, conspiracy theorist (and more that I can’t even admit because he’s so large in his state) who was so socially inept he could not form a relationship with anyone but my mother – a mentally ill, self-hating, hair-dyeing, vicious FOB Asian woman who wanted to marry a white man for status – or largely because Asian men are so fundamentally repulsive to American society.

Their marriage was non-existent because she never really loved him, and only used him because he was white, and for the purpose of making biracial babies, only one of whom is “handsome” enough to live up to the reputation. I was raised explicitly to be a beautiful Eurasian man to take over the world – and inherited my father’s entitlement and my mother’s greedy, self serving desire for white privilege – and so I was unequipped to deal with racism. I am fundamentally unable to operate in a world where white is better than Asian – even though I am both. I am bitter, angry, entitled, jealous, and filled with rage: both qualities passed down to me by racist parents.

There’s nothing else to it.

Sometimes I wonder how Asian males are able to function normally in society  despite the hatred directed at them, and then I remember that at least they have normal families.

No other race of men has their own women automatically disqualify them. No other race has women that look like their mother being world famous for screaming about how inferior men that look like them are. 95% of most women do not date out – but 50% of Asian women do, meaning that being Asian is inherently wrong.

This is how I felt growing up; I would bully full Asians, I even slapped them in the face for fun. I called them “****ing Asians,” and went into a rage on seeing Asian men with white women, because of my deep seated self hatred. Later on, I gave up everything, my family, my home, my life, my country, to go to a place where I felt like I wasn’t inherently wrong due to my appearance. I became an addict, a castaway, because I was 100% convinced that nobody could ever love an Asian looking man.

At the end of it, I wish, more than anything, that I had a normal family, one that I knew wasn’t based on a fetish, or racial hierarchies. 

Anything would be better. Anything but that.

Asian women swear that their preference for white men is about feminism, but it doesn’t make sense to me, given how living in Asia I get constant comments about my tall nose and big eyes, and 3-d face, without anyone ever even knowing who I am… and my reputation as being a misogynist (which isn’t true). My father is also a huge anti-feminist, hyper conservative autistic loser, which I’m sure also influenced my behavior.

know I’m not mentally right, and all I can do is keep this blog. I know there are men out there that can form normal relationships like normal human beings, but I can’t, because of the horror my parents inflicted onto me, where I feel guilt and anger and self hatred at even existing. 

I also have been pushed by my Chinese family to use my white face in order to bring more money to their business ventures.

I then think about how my mother was MISERABLE in her marriage. I figure she would have been happier to have been married to a tall white guy – until I realized that she suffered the same thing I did. Self hatred. It just made her hate her appearance, something that I understood for a long time, because I did it too. She was also miserable because she tried to marry into the powerful class – the white class, but realized too late that the man she married was the kind of man rejected from the white Wasp power-class, a guy with immense emotional problems that I inherited.

Asian self hatred is really a black pearl. It’s hard to understand; I think it has something to do with skin oiliness and hair texture as well as lack of larger physical markers such as breasts (on women) and muscles (on men).

And although my mother married a white man she was still completely miserable.

So essentially, this self hatred is passed to the children, male or female – so I think others should be aware of this.

In other words – don’t expect Eurasian children to be normal. I feel very sorry for some of them, the ones that are from couples like this, or worse; I am a dead man walking and have no empathy at all with the “good couples” – to me, it is far better to self-implode and make people aware of this at large.

How could a child be normal when his OWN MOTHER has a heart filled to the brim with hate?

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9 thoughts on “My self hatred and how my mother and fathers’ loveless fetish marriage damaged me; Why I beg non-Asians to understand; and how I became an extreme racist and anti-semite to cover my insecurity

  1. Just wanted to say you’re doing a great service and job with this blog! A lot of Asian people have the same feelings and thoughts that you write about here and it’s amazing you are so on point and honest about an important topic like this. Please keep at it and thank you for doing this!

  2. I’m a white/Hispanic guy who always found Asian women afraid to be with a tall muscular non-Asian. I used to play football. My experiences go back to the 80s. Haso this preference for white guys changed over the last 30 years!

  3. I really sad about your situation but all i can say is make the best of it. Use your color and beat the world. Love yourself and people will want to be with you for your uniqueness. All you need to do is be proud of knowing both culture closely.

    I must confess i have found children of eurasian very attractive. God bless you.

  4. Breasts are getting bigger, and asian men are perfectly capable of getting muscle. However muscle is seen as low class and undesirable as a beauty standard these days, same with the natural olive tan Asians naturally get.

    You’re right that you have deep self hatred. Work on it

  5. One minute you’re calling whites ugly and inferior to most Beijingers and the next you’re calling asian features inferior. Come on, ET

    Asian self hatred is nothing unique ET. It’s just that some groups have had time to develop more “awareness” but self hatred and Colorism cuts deep in most groups.

  6. How did you give up your citizenship? There’s no way you are a citizen of China. It’s really hard to get a green card down there, let alone citizenship.

  7. Hey,

    I’m curious. How do you cope in China? Do you not flinch every time a Chinese person goes on about how hunxueer babies are more beautiful and better in every way than a Chinese baby? At seeing how waitresses and store assistants throw themselves on any non Asian looking person who enters the establishment? At seeing white faces selling products and services to Chinese people? Chinese people who would sooner speak to the random white dude than a hapa or fellow Asian and push past you to do so?
    How do you deal with it?

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