I think this could be relevant to anyone interested.
This is the direct result of having a Chinese mother who wanted to integrate into the US and was adamant about her hatred of anything Asian. For a long time I considered my mother to be “white”, as she had altered her appearance so extensively that in my vague memory of her – I never considered her an Asian woman, and only yesterday (yes, that yesterday) was I able to look in the mirror and see an Asian guy looking back, and be able to not revert into an immediate panic. This was also the result of being surrounded – yes, surrounded, as five out of six of the Asian women in my family were married exclusively to White – not Indian, black, Latino – but White, men, and I internalized this through my entire childhood.
From a “cute” little Half Asian boy with light features, my hair and my features gradually grew more Asian, and I was wholly unprepared for racism, especially considering that much of this racism came from White men and Asian women themselves; having a racist white father and a Chinese mother who played favorites on her children (white was better and had more freedom; Asian looking – my brother – Tiger Mommed and treated different) – genuinely screwed me up.
Watch this before reading this post.
The realize that Asian women produce sons who look like this:
- I denied I was Asian for almost ten years and identified as Italian or Russian.
- Cut my hair very short to retain its light color, up until two years ago; my hair becomes more brown when short, very, very dark at longer lengths and when wet
- I would avoid looking at myself in the mirror after taking a shower
- I did not look in the mirror for a three year period between 2012 and 2015
- Gained sixty pounds in a summer to look less Asian – lost seventy pounds in one summer three years later, to again, look less Asian, based on different comments
- I used to believe my mother gave birth via immaculate conception or divine intervention and that God ordained me to be white to fulfill a plan for divinated white supremacy
- I would fantasize about using a razor blade to cut and deepen my eyes
- I believe God had chosen me for my looks and I bought lottery tickets expecting to win, like Rodger.
- I would vomit profusely after developing body dysmorphia as an attempt to cover up my Asian appearance; my vomit was colored unusually due to the large amount of supplements I was taking to maintain a weight that I thought would cover my Asian appearance
- Plagued by nightmares for twenty five years about my mother crashing our car into a body of water before drowning. Dreams have ceased since writing this blog.
- I screamed at an AMWW couple out of anger, after seeing one in a bar, again, like Rodger.
- I would smack an Asian student in the face in an attempt to dominate him
- I made fun of a popular Asian student at my school anonymously and hurt his reputation to cover my own insecurity
- I would sing fake Chinese songs in an attempt to impress my friends
- I would write long winded emails to my father about how I though blue eyed and blond haired people were angels – after which he never bothered correcting me
- I posted profusely on very hardcore Neo Nazi forums
- I had befriended a violent neo Nazi who went over my Facebook and criticized me for having too many friends of color and too many Asian female friends – my cousins.
- On seeing a photograph where I looked Asian, I would immediately delete it and go into a dark depression
- I never looked at photographs of my parents – either because I was ashamed of the fact that I was half Asian, or because WMAF made me subconsciously uncomfortable (likely the latter)
More if I can remember. My fear is my pain will eventually dissipate and I’ll forget. I need to continue triggering myself to the point that I can effectively keep producing material that will help people.