Some of the crazy stuff I did as a Eurasian male, with a Chinese mother, and a tall, skinny, blue eyed, glasses wearing, bearded red-haired British-German father.

I think this could be relevant to anyone interested.

This is the direct result of having a Chinese mother who wanted to integrate into the US and was adamant about her hatred of anything Asian. For a long time I considered my mother to be “white”, as she had altered her appearance so extensively that in my vague memory of her – I never considered her an Asian woman, and only yesterday (yes, that yesterday) was I able to look in the mirror and see an Asian guy looking back, and be able to not revert into an immediate panic. This was also the result of being surrounded – yes, surrounded, as five out of six of the Asian women in my family were married exclusively to White – not Indian, black, Latino – but White, men, and I internalized this through my entire childhood.

From a “cute” little Half Asian boy with light features, my hair and my features gradually grew more Asian, and I was wholly unprepared for racism, especially considering that much of this racism came from White men and Asian women themselves; having a racist white father and a Chinese mother who played favorites on her children (white was better and had more freedom; Asian looking – my brother – Tiger Mommed and treated different) – genuinely screwed me up.

Watch this before reading this post.

Female Chinese international student who denigrated Chinese and sang praises about America at UMaryland commencement is in a WMAF.

The realize that Asian women produce sons who look like this:

  • I denied I was Asian for almost ten years and identified as Italian or Russian.
  • Cut my hair very short to retain its light color, up until two years ago; my hair becomes more brown when short, very, very dark at longer lengths and when wet
  • I would avoid looking at myself in the mirror after taking a shower
  • I did not look in the mirror for a three year period between 2012 and 2015
  • Gained sixty pounds in a summer to look less Asian – lost seventy pounds in one summer three years later, to again, look less Asian, based on different comments
  • I used to believe my mother gave birth via immaculate conception or divine intervention and that God ordained me to be white to fulfill a plan for divinated white supremacy
  • I would fantasize about using a razor blade to cut and deepen my eyes
  • I believe God had chosen me for my looks and I bought lottery tickets expecting to win, like Rodger.
  • I would vomit profusely after developing body dysmorphia as an attempt to cover up my Asian appearance; my vomit was colored unusually due to the large amount of supplements I was taking to maintain a weight that I thought would cover my Asian appearance
  • Plagued by nightmares for twenty five years about my mother crashing our car into a body of water before drowning. Dreams have ceased since writing this blog.
  • I screamed at an AMWW couple out of anger, after seeing one in a bar, again, like Rodger.
  • I would smack an Asian student in the face in an attempt to dominate him
  • I made fun of a popular Asian student at my school anonymously and hurt his reputation to cover my own insecurity
  • I would sing fake Chinese songs in an attempt to impress my friends
  •  I would write long winded emails to my father about how I though blue eyed and blond haired people were angels – after which he never bothered correcting me
  • I posted profusely on very hardcore Neo Nazi forums
  • I was a prolific author of insanely racist Neo Nazi cartoons
  • I had befriended a violent neo Nazi who went over my Facebook and criticized me for having too many friends of color and too many Asian female friends – my cousins.
  • On seeing a photograph where I looked Asian, I would immediately delete it and go into a dark depression
  • I never looked at photographs of my parents – either because I was ashamed of the fact that I was half Asian, or because WMAF made me subconsciously uncomfortable (likely the latter)
  • To this day I have not taken a photo since 2012 out of fear of looking too Asian.

More if I can remember. My fear is my pain will eventually dissipate and I’ll forget. I need to continue triggering myself to the point that I can effectively keep producing material that will help people.

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21 thoughts on “Some of the crazy stuff I did as a Eurasian male, with a Chinese mother, and a tall, skinny, blue eyed, glasses wearing, bearded red-haired British-German father.

  1. Hey bro,

    So you probably won’t respond to my comments, but you’ve had this post up here for over a day with no one commenting. Honestly, looks kind of like a cry for help.

    This is some pretty crazy stuff you did. First, I wanna say, recognize that all of us ivy leaguers have a bit of crazy in us. Otherwise, we couldn’t manage the necessary focus to get in. It’s unfortunate but true.

    Here’s my story, for what it’s worth (as the white father of two Hapa boys). I had no interest in Asian girls before college. There weren’t any in the high school I graduated from. I liked both white and Hispanic girls in my high school and didn’t think about them in a racial way at all (I didn’t really differentiate between them, and I had access to the hottest girls in the school). In college, as a freshman, I followed a white senior girl I liked into the Asian Christian Fellowship, which she would attend in addition to the general fellowship. At first, I thought Korean girls looked like aliens. Then, I eventually grew to feel at home with the Asians. I trained myself to ignore white girls because they were reliably skanky. I remember a bible study leader who asked me to call him “hyung” (or older brother) and said I was half-Korean, white on the outside, but Korean on the inside. I didn’t feel very accepted in Asian-American circles, and the Korean American girl I liked the most (out of many) said she wouldn’t marry a non-Korean (she’s now married to a Korean guy). The girls I loved most were Koreans. I thought that someday I could have mixed kids and they would be able to express on the outside what I felt on the inside. I didn’t secretly like white girls, while being was forced to be with Asians (I married a former Korean wedding dress model, but also dated a former Korean runway model and Miss Korea runner up). Actually, white girls eventually became almost invisible to me, and a cute blonde girl in my hallway at Harvard once, out of the blue (we never talked), accused me of discriminating against white girls (after seeing the people who went into my room), and I didn’t know what to say, because I couldn’t imagine dating someone like her, with her pixie cut and feminist indoctrination (I had determined that Asian girls were much more likely to be virgins, and I also weeded out the majority who were not).

    I never disliked Asian guys at all. In fact, most of my best friends are Asian guys. I never felt disgust when seeing white girls with Asian guys. I felt more of something like relief.

    Not all white guys who date Asian girls are “failures” like you perceive your dad to be. I ran up a 7 figure net worth on my own and will likely inherit a 7 figure sum as well. I have freed myself from my beta indoctrination and uncovered the matrix. I won’t cheat on my wife, but if she ever walked away, I believe I would have the time of my life with what I now know.

    You can learn. You can figure out the way the world works. You can get the woman you want. (I realize I could have even gotten the Korean girl I wanted if I had been alpha about it back then–a lot of stuff from girls is just $*@! tests). You must have some decent genes if you got into Dartmouth and you get so much attention re: your looks. But your personality screams raging beta. You can get over it and use your brain to learn charisma. I did.

    Anyway, you can hold all your rage if you want. You can worry about Hapa guys, and think about your tragic personal situation. Realize that you are just encouraging more white guys to head east (to Eastern Europe), rather than west (Asia) to find feminine women. You’re fulfilling the white supremacist goal.

    You certainly have a lot of interesting and unique insights on your blg. However, in the grand scheme of things, what happens to a limited number of hapas pales in comparison to the world’s most important graph http://www.unz.com/isteve/the-worlds-most-important-graph/ and what it means for the future of western civilization. This is why the hapa issue will not really gain any traction, as we are in the midst of full scale civilizational replacement…

    • Then why, in the name of god and all that is holy, don’t you upgrade your waifu to a debushka yourself (no american white girls cuz they r all sluts)? You mourn your civilization and yet you are killing it yourself 😂, actually please don’t breed with anyone white or asian, but especially asian because your children would be double fucked.

      (ps: your post still screams raging beta)

    • You sound extremely judgemental towards white women. White women are described as ” skanky” and have ” feminist indoctrination” your poor wife is all I can say. Your post sounds like MGTOW and I bet you voted for Trump.

      Do tell me, if I say that white men look ugly to me, how would you react? If I say that white men are fat and balding Rednecks? That Asian men rock and are sweet and gentlemanly towards women, what would you think? Remember, you said you felt relief whenever you saw white women with Asian men.

      Yes I am a white woman, a day yes I have a half Chinese hapa son…

    • @biffy, you’re nothing but a white troll who has nothing to do but troll on the internet. Just accept the fact that WMAF relationships, for the most part, are disastrous. I think most people know or have a feeling that a white guy in a WMAF relationship must be a loser who can’t get a white girl so he is with an Asian female because he thinks of her as an acceptable alternative and a consolation prize.

  2. I have to say, I do admire how you are turning your pain into a weapon. But be careful because it is a double-edged sword. To be costantly on the edge of nihilism like you are requires non-ordinary folly, to be sure I would already have gone crazy. I hope you don’t snap someday.

    • I’m already so far gone now that an accurate representation of internal pain isn’t therapeutic for me – it actually makes me feel, by and large, nothing. I’m only using it as a warning and so that I can apply my mind to a sociology question that has been mulled over by thinkers for decades… in that regard even anonymously I’m considered one of the premier thinkers in biracial identity and have been so after only two years of writing.

  3. EW: “even anonymously I’m considered one of the premier thinkers in biracial identity” Hilarious. Enjoy the fame, bro. If that’s what keeps you going.

    svetasboots: Good for you. The white girls who go for Asian guys tend to be more desirable than average, and less skanky. And of course I voted for Trump, as did most married people and an even bigger majority of married people with kids, even a majority of married religious Jews. People who are thinking about the future and have kids to worry about can see that the liberal dream is a sham and the fact that opportunities have been getting worse and worse for each generation since the baby boomers is not disconnected with liberal social trends and globalization.

    Didie: I now actually believe there are some decent American white girls out there. They are just not the ivy league careerist overachievers I was surrounded with. EW doesn’t actually try to help white guys find acceptable white girls (e.g., advising them to look outside of blue city death traps, focus on self-improvement, etc.). Instead, he’s content to ridicule them, as he’s so focused on his personal pain.

    Anyway, I shouldn’t have been so cavalier in my earlier post. I have nothing I haven’t been given and I have a lot to be thankful for. I genuinely want to help EW and others like him.

  4. Biff, although he denies it, is everything EW talks about in his blog. Most people are going to see him for what he is: a white male with low social value so he goes for Asian women. (Sorry, but that is what the world thinks of wmaw couples. You proved you’re not an exception. Unfortunately you cannot escape it.) His fetish comes down to one thing: he wants easy pussy. Asian women respond to him better and at higher rates than white women. Most white men with yellow fever admit this, that Asians are easy pussy. Why have one decent woman of your own race when you can have ten below average women in Asia? That’s his thinking.

    EW, you should self publish a book on your findings and sell it on Amazon. Just have to organize your thoughts onto book formatt with valuable research. Definitely hire an editor. You might have to tone some things down and embellish other things.

  5. His hatred for his own race of women proves his inferiority to them. If he objectively preferred Asian women, he wouldn’t have to bash his own women in the process. As a white male, I see dating an Asian woman as negative validation. The fact that they worship our white cocks and hate their own kind sickens me. A healthy relationship is one that is not based around hatred of one’s race. Asian women who date white guys hate themselves and their race. Their kids tend to suffer as a consequence.

  6. EW and Randy:

    You pretend to be against “racists”, but you guys sound more racist than HBD folks, who at least don’t talk in terms of Asian “inferiority”. You are insinuating that any white guy who goes for Asian girls is a loser, while an Asian guy who goes for white girls is a winner. Sounds like white supremacy to me. Meanwhile you bash Asian girls for doing what you encourage Asian guys to do…

    If you blame all problems in the world on white men, then no one else has any agency and white men are always superior to everyone else. This is why leftist whites are actually much worse racists than, e.g., the pragmatist Chinese.

  7. Biff, I have no problem with Asian men pursuing quality Asian women. It is human nature to be attracted to your own race. You said yourself that you trained yourself not to be attracted to your own race because they are “feminists” or have higher standards or whatever. I’m merely pointing out using your race to get a girl is a recipe for an unhealthy relationship, and it’s bad for the kids. It’s not bad for a white man to go for a westernized Asian woman with western beliefs who doesn’t intrisically hate her race. (However, you would probably classify her as a “feminist” because she would have higher standards than a fob.)

    Secondly, I never said that Asian men who go for white women are winners. Some see it as a symbol of social status, but that’s not really true. I am white, and I prefer white women. However, I would date ethnic women who has the same beliefs as I do. Also, I voted for Trump, not because I’m pro-Trump but because I am anti-Hillary.

  8. Randy:

    I didn’t really “train myself” not to be attracted to my own race (bad word choice on my part). It kind of just happened when I was mostly hanging out with Asians. I was surprised actually. At first, I couldn’t get over the Asian nose, but I started finding hapas attractive, then eventually full-blooded Asians seemed pretty attractive as well. My point is it wasn’t that I couldn’t get any white girls, so I was stuck with Asians.

    I wasn’t attracted to “westernized Asian [women] with western beliefs” because I find most of current “western beliefs” to be degenerate and not even consistent with “western beliefs” of a couple generations back. Not sure where you get not wanting to marry skanks as having lower standards or westernized skanks as somehow having “higher standards” in men.

    Anyway, you would be persona non grata here for not supporting the leftists. And saying “ethnic women” could practically get you expelled from leftists institutions today. It’s funny though. If you’re only into white women, how did you wind up on a site like this?

  9. What bothers me is the self hatred that these women with white fever exude. When I worked in China, I could have easily hooked up with a number of women who approached me, but I was serious with my girlfriend at the time. I hve been lucky to found a classy girl from back home. (Actually the hk girls seemed much skankier/easier than the white women I’ve dated.)

    Anyway, guys who believe all western women feminists are usually the mtgow types. The feminist movement (or the mess that it has become) is their arch enemy. The two groups will duke it out with each other, and everyone else will be on the outside.

  10. To answer your question, I found this place through research because I knew someone in real life who was affected by it. I won’t go into details, but ew makes some points that need to be addressed.

  11. We are WHITE, we run free,
    Keep our teeth, nice and clean,
    See our friends, see the sights, feel alright,
    We wake up, we go out, smoke a fag,
    Put it out, see our friends,
    See the sights, feel alright,

    Are we like you?
    I can’t be sure,
    Of the scene, as she turns,
    We are strange in our worlds,

    But we are WHITE, we get by,
    Can’t go mad, ain’t got time,
    Sleep around, if we like,
    But we’re alright,
    Got some cash, bought some wheels,
    Took it out, ‘cross the fields,
    Lost control, hit a wall,
    But we’re alright,

    Are we like you,
    I can’t be sure,
    Of the scene, as she turns,
    We are strange in our worlds,

    But we are WHITE, we run free,
    Keep our teeth, nice and clean,
    See our friends, see the sights, feel alright,

    Are we like you,
    I can’t be sure,
    Of the scene, as she turns,
    We are strange in our world,

    But we are WHITE, we run free,
    Keep our teeth, nice and clean,
    See our friends, see the sights, feel alright.

  12. Randy:

    MGTOW is just one reasonable reaction to the destruction of the traditional US family structure wrought by leftists. Another is being a playboy and just screwing around. Most American women actually don’t want to settle down young anymore (unless they find a perfect prince charming, who is usually charming precisely because he is screwing around and is a desirable, pre-selected alpha, rather than a responsible boring beta), so you can only really wife them up after they have spent years screwing around with various boys and are well past their prime fertility years and mentally damaged. The results there aren’t great. The overarching issue in practice is demographic decline of the more productive elements of society and subsequent replacement by the more fecund, or a real life “idiocracy” taking shape.

    EW certainly makes a lot of good observations, but his red pilling won’t allow him to go back to being a typical degenerate leftist multiculturalist, as much as he would like to.

    As parents, we should all want the best for our kids. I’m thankful that EW raises issues facing Hapa boys that mainstream media wouldn’t touch because they want to glorify all sorts of race mixing. I will work hard not to let them think whites are somehow superior (I think their current collapsing state shows their mental weakness actually). I have to think seriously about whether my boys would be better off in Asia.

    As for Chinese girls throwing themselves at you, join the club. I could tell you stories… However, it’s not self-hatred motivating them. It’s just hypergamy that women can’t control. If you were a rock star in the U.S., the girls throwing themselves at you wouldn’t hate themselves either. They would just be trying to get with as high a status guy as they could. In China, being a white dude used to give a lot of de facto status. Not sure how long ago you were there, but recently the typical corporate expats are getting massively eclipsed by super rich Chinese dudes.

  13. You miss the point completely, and you are in denial. Explain to me why children of AMWF couples are more successful and less likely to have psychological problems than children of WMAF couples. EW has explained it countless times. It doesn’t take an ivy league education to figure it out.

    The best thing to do for your kids is to raise them to be alpha males. Also, make sure they hang around good kids. Don’t teach them to fear western women. Make them leaders. Don’t let them think of themselves differently, and don’t bring up race. Being an Asian male can be an advantage in some situations. They have a niche market.

    Asian slayers in America have a dominant personality, and they are good looking. (Also, money and status help too.) Any white male can be a slayer in Asia.

  14. Randy:

    Main reason for the difference in results is genes. White dudes who pair with Asian women tend to have certain aspy tendencies. However, the parents have the same genes whomever they procreate with, so it’s not like those guys get with a white girl and there are no issues with their kids.

    Yes, learned charisma will be key for hapa sons. I have one kid who is naturally alpha (which is pretty awesome to behold in a three year old), but the other will have a lot to learn. I can teach, but not sure how much will stick. We’ll see. For example, someone like EW has been exposed to the red pill, but obviously can’t internalize the concepts himself.

    Not sure what you are saying I’m in denial of. A natural conclusion from the things AW discusses on his page is that Asia would be a much more hospitable environment for Hapa boys to grow up in.

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