Why am I doing this?
Well, for one, being mixed race is very difficult, especially when you’re younger and have no real resources. The self-hatred can be very difficult to manage, especially if your parents are complicit in white supremacy. They may be even without knowing it. Sex is very much about power in our society. The fact that some 40% of Asian women demand to marry white men is indicative of the fact that being Asian must be…. undesirable.
I grew up in a home where 5 out of 6 of the women in my family were married to white men. Not Indian, not black, not Hispanic, but white. At age 20, people who were dear to me started to make fun of me for being Asian; every single one of these people was in a relationship with an Asian woman.
Add to the fact that my father was exactly the type of guy who went for Asian women; the racist, anti-social, friendless white male who cannot make eye contact and uses Asian women as a validation of his worth as a human being, when no other woman around him would; e.g., a white guy who non-Asian women rejected for being racist, maladjusted, rude, and a conspiracy theorist, who used an Asian woman with poor understanding of Western dating dynamics, to build a “family.”
That would mean that being an Asian male, or a Eurasian male, was especially problematic. I immediately had an immense mental breakdown, compounded by the fact that my family was completely broken, my mother being driven to suicide by my unemployed, conspiracy theorist, Holocaust-denying white father who had majored in two Asian languages and had a penchant for everything Japanese, while having a hatred of everything Chinese and communist – yet had a Chinese wife, one who I remember over a period of 15 years, screaming, fighting, attacking him and the children with everything from rolling pins to butcher knives to a hot steam iron.
Secondly, something doesn’t really sit right with me, when a person marries on the principle of race. If a woman seeks out a white man – and only a white man – like my mother sought out my father, tall, blue eyed and white, I think that needs to be addressed, especially because it means that I myself have to bear the brunt of the political implications of this.
I want to be comfortable with who I am and understand why I was and who I am, and to dissect this until there was nothing left. I was not, until I started writing here. I still remember going a decade trying to hide my heritage in order to be accepted. The reason for this was partly because Asian American women themselves seemed to create such a hostile, anti-Asian environment.
So, I’ve decided to spill the beans on my parents and I’m not going to stop.
Keep in mind I was born in the 80’s, during a time period where it was common for white men to be seen as “most desirable” for social and economic reasons. Nowadays, with the rise of Asia and an increase in racism, I think it’s important to talk about how interpersonal relationships can make the world a better, or a worse place.
I do not fully understand Asian culture – but I understand Western culture, so everything I write will be in that frame of mind.
Am I Against Race Mixing?
No. I in fact have been in mixed relationships with every race of woman. I have always thought it curious that mixed race relationships are so aligned in one direction. One would think that for true equality to be achieved there would have to be an equal number in both directions. I quickly learned, however, after I was disqualified for my race by none other than Asian women (whom I love very much) that things are not all good.
Mixing races should be for the benefit of mankind. It should not be for the benefit of having “whiter kids” to carry on a legacy of racism, which tends to be the case. Nor should it be about “status” or about giving the kids “a better chance at surviving.” If that is the plan – it might be better to not have kids at all.
My biggest problem with being Eurasian is that I wanted to be normal. I was a shooting star, highly intelligent, well liked – but the racism from specifically my own home, and those men outside my family who liked Asian women but hated Asian men, made me prone to having a massive breakdown. I grew up at a time with no representation of Asian men, not representation of Eurasian men, or anything else; I grew up in a broken home, filled with White men and Asian women, and all of the men who looked like me simply didn’t reproduce. My mother spent all her time screaming, nagging, telling me how worthless my father was, and telling me to marry an Asian woman.
Why “Longing For Death”?
When I started writing, I essentially wanted to die. The blog was to be my suicide note. I simply was unable to deal with being mixed race, and Asian, in a society that is very anti-Asian, with nobody to help me. I’ve since moved on, but I don’t want to change the title as a memory to the kind of pain I underwent, so that I can help others understand why Eurasians or other mixed race people may seem strange to others.
Am I a Hypocrite?
How? By celebrating Asian men with White women? The pairing that is outnumbered by five to one, compared to White men and Asian women, and is largely reactionary to Asian women rejecting Asian men?
Since I was young I always knew I would marry an Asian woman. It was on realizing that many of them would rather have had a white man than even a Eurasian did I recognize that being Hapa is nothing but a paradox from whence this is no escape.
You need to see a psychiatrist.
Actually, no I don’t. Everything I say here is 100% rooted in truth, social or biological.
Saying I need help is just a cheap way to ignore the fact that what I’m saying is probably the most accurate assessment of race in the Western world. I may be crazy, I may have done a lot of bad shit – but the truth is, I’m from a bad stock. Yes, Eurasians have elevated rates of psychological problems. Yes, Eurasians are confused. Yes, Eurasians are routinely rejected from both sides leading them into patterns of crazy behavior. Yes, Eurasians generally feel like absolute shit being born from the bottom of the barrel stock and Asian women that themselves admit that Asian men are unattractive.
So if you call me crazy –
I respond with: