Sticky: Asian Women and White Men: Why the Mental Health of Hapa Sons and Daughters of White Men and Asian Women Needs to be Addressed, and Why You Should Reach Out to Hapa People.

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I changed the above picture for fear of doxxing. Use this blog as an example of how troubled Hapas can be, some worse than others. I wrote this essay about two years ago, at the peak of a very, very damaging breakdown. Since then, thanks to a supportive community and a (now large) group of Eurasians putting their brains together, I have transformed this blog into a rational discussion of the dangers of hatred, the reality of race relations even in romance, and even discovered the source of why I was so crazy; my older posts (if you go back to the beginning) can be used as a representation of the kind of damage that was done to my mind, and the kind of psychosis that can be found in mixed young men and women without proper intervention. If I hadn’t started this blog, I would likely now be dead or imprisoned, and ironically by writing I found the source of the very unsettling problems I had no more than two years ago; hence I won’t change the title. If you don’t believe that I am Hapa, continue reading. I try to present the issues as honestly as I can.

I am a formerly well liked, handsome, outgoing, popular, Dartmouth educated Eurasian man born to a Chinese mother who sought out marriage into the powered WASP class – but then realized too late that the man she married was an underemployed, emotionally damaged, meek, hyper-racist, conspiracy theorist male – and she essentially killed herself. At around age 20 I encountered anti-Asian racism and due to inheriting my father’s entitlement to the world, I was unprepared to deal with it; I am emotionally unstable, self-loathing, addicted, underemployed, have strong intimacy issues, and unable to form proper relationships due to my self-hatred instilled on me during the first 20 years of my life. Unlike other Eurasians who find self-esteem in underpaid modeling jobs, my self-implosion has been broadcast to the world to the point that I am internet famous. I am not afraid to be as viciously honest as I need to be in order to speak on the reality of this world.

If you don’t think this website is valid – go to Reddit.com/r/hapas, which received 9 million views in 2 years, and 1.1 million views in the first month of 2017. Also – find half Asians with Asian fathers and compare their behavior to those with Asian mothers. 

Iimage1-5magine being raised by two racists – your own parents. Your own mother wanted a white man, yet here you are – a half Asian, a man who looks very Asian. Except you have a white father. Is it possible to raise a healthy child considering the loaded, white-worshipping nature of yellow fever and white fever? How can a biracial child be expected to be normal if he looks Asian, and the entire basis of his parents’ relationship was that the man not be Asian? How can Asian women outmarry at such high rates, have an open ‘white fetish,’ and expect Asian looking sons to be emotionally well adjusted?

In short: I am the son of a foreign born Asian woman from Hong Kong who deliberately married a tall (6’3″, skinny), red-haired, blue eyed, bearded white man. She, like many Asian women, sought out a man who had a “Western” background so that she could feel integrated into her new home, and better than her fully Asian peers. She was by and large mentally ill, violent, abusive, cruel towards my father when he wasn’t making enough money, extremely controlling, and had self-image issues, changing her entire appearance to “look white.” She did not and never did love my father, and only used him because he was white; their entire marriage was violent, loveless, and calculating.

This man was interested in Asian culture and married because he was socially unable to marry a white woman due to his political beliefs and personality quirks (he is very socially conservative, a Holocaust denier and anti-Semite, extremely homophobic, very shy, not many friends, belief that white women are too liberated, extremely meek and unable to make eye contact with others, steps off the sidewalk when larger men approach, unwilling to work or make money for fear of violating Christian scripture).

I was raised largely as a white child, yet turned more Asian in appearance with age. I was raised in an environment that had an undercurrent of anti-Asian male racism (America), saw Asian women (including almost all of them in my own family) throw themselves at white men (the majority of whom are racists, Republicans, or short and or meek), and also an over-current of false Eurasian myths about beauty and intelligence. I subconsciously always believed myself to be “less” because my own mother and her sisters all were married to white men and adamantly denied I was Asian for a decade. 

My parents’ relationship was loveless, violent and broken due to her disillusionment with my father after ten years as he failed to make enough money, and grew balder and fatter and no longer lived up to the White male Prince Charming she had wanted (separate bedrooms, forced to sleep on the couch, extreme violent fighting). My brother and I suffered extreme psychological and physical abuse (beaten with coat hangers by our mother, Tiger Mommed, had her threaten to kill herself with a butcher knife in front of us, threatened to crash the car with us in it while driving at 90 mph), and her behavior became worse and worse as she realized that her white husband wasn’t making as much money as her brother and sister, who both married Chinese partners. This is a story of someone who was very sick, and in recovery.

When I got older, despite the fact that society told me that I was “unique” for being Eurasian, I was treated with contempt by both white people AND Asian people; Asian women would often express disgust at me for being Asian (scowling at me on the street, or smirking), and white people would constantly remind me that I was Asian in a way to demean and undermine me. This caused me to self implode from a popular, outgoing Eurasian to becoming a recluse and suicidal.

Two years after writing the below, I am leaving it word for word, as I wrote it, as proof of how I felt and feelings I still struggle with as a male of Asian heritage who clearly looks Asian, born to a mother who thought of Asian men as beneath her. I am highly educated, formerly well liked, popular, handsome, out going  and like many Eurasians I burned out in my twenties with the realization that people, even Asian women, hate my Asian side, so now I’ve turned my talents towards exposing the last bastion of White supremacy in the world as candidly as I can. I am literally dissecting White male / Asian women couples and the Eurasian identity to a degree that nobody else ever has.

I actually moved to China (which saved my life) in order to escape racism and feelings of inferiority – and was shocked on learning that my own mother (and many other Chinese) had moved to America in order to find the American dream – a dream that hated me for my Asian blood. 

highly recommend that any potential parent to half-Asian children make sure that they are marrying on a clean slate – with zero fetishism, zero white-worship, and zero undertones of racial hierarchies – and that they be completely honest about this, to avoid sending more young man down the path that I went.

I am doing this for every single half-Asian kid out there who has committed suicide, thought about suicide, suffered from racism, isolation, outcasting, and had two parents whose entire relationship was nothing but lust, selfishness, even hatred – leaving us with nothing but perpetual isolation. The world does not care about Hapa males if you look average or even a little bit Asian. The world – even Asian women, who truly believe that they are white – only care about whiteness and white men.

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On “Well Adjusted Hapas”

The minute that anyone can tell me how an Asian looking Hapa who watches his own mother throw herself at non-Asian men can develop into a well rounded individual – let me know.

But I’ve heard through the grapevine about some “well adjusted Hapas.”

I’ve heard this a lot, but anyone who has ever known adult Hapas realize that many of us have severe problems.

I’d chalk this up to any number of things, one largely being the Tiger Mom, one being that ones own mother is a sociopath who rewarded white supremacy, one being that ones own father deliberately attempted to exert dominance over Asianness – i.e., children being raised by “raceplayers” (such as, white men who get off on sexual dominance over Asian women, just look up and Asian raceplay blog), one being the inability of the white father to correctly parent the half-Asian son (my father treating me essentially as a white child, never exposing me to Asian media), one being that due to the whole scale behavior of Asian women, identifying as Asian is largely a practice in masochism.

But by and large the issue is of looks.

If you meet a well adjusted “Hapa” – six out of ten times he will look almost completely white. And even then – like in the case of Daniel Holtzclaw or Elliot Rodger – the issues still linger. Three out of ten times, he won’t admit it, despite being an extremely passive aggressive type, emotionally unstable, perpetually single, and unwilling to badmouth his parents. One out of ten times the guy will be gay – either openly, but more likely, in the closet, out of fear of offending his conservative parents.

came close to looking white, very white. But more than enough times I’ve been told that I look Asian, that I have an “Asian vibe,” that girls “don’t date Asians.” And my brother – who looks full blown Asian – is 32, a virgin, but luckily too steeped in filial piety and his own mental illness that he would never even bother to question these things and is likely going to wind up dying without a kiss.

But more so, when I was between 18-24 or so, I passed as white. I passed as 100% white – people largely thought I was Russian except for the discerning types, who made a point to call me out on my Asian heritage in an attempt to belittle me. And that was when I realized that being Hapa wasn’t something to be proud of.

Being Hapa was never something to be proud of. It was largely a lie pushed onto us by hateful Asian women who sought out white men for integration, assimilation, money, status, or whiter kids; they put no thought into it other than slapping it with a general label of “beautiful Hapas” and gave us no roadmap at all for navigating a racist world – one that Asian women were themselves complicit in.

Frankly – if you look white, why would you even bother identifying as Asian unless you absolutely had to? Not only is there a monumental stigma against Asian males in any Western countries, but you would subject yourself to repeated comments from both men and women alike regarding your heritage. And no white-passing Hapa would ever be able to stomach full blown anti-Asian racism directed at them. At other Asians, sure, but not at them. 

One of the most offensive things to me is when non-Asians make comments about Asian people assuming that I won’t care. Such as:

  • “I don’t go to that library, there are way too many Asians in there.”
  • “So and so friend (who is Asian) blends right in here,” (when walking through Chinatown).
  • “Yeah, Asians are known for running cash-only scams and skimming to avoid tax.” (Maybe true but who gives a shit?)

The vast, vast, vast majority of time when you encounter a Hapa with problematic issues – he will look Asian. Are there Asian looking Hapas who are well adjusted? I’m sure there are, too, but I’m betting my bottom dollar still waters run deep.

This isn’t an opinion. I’m asking my readers to go out and actually meet these people because I know they exist.

And when there is a Hapa who stands up and says that people like me are lunatics – I am right here telling him, as a person who could pass as white without enough concerted effort – that they’re only behaving that way (i.e., “carefree”) because they have no experience being treated like an Asian.

Apparently with the way I look I am treated as Asian by only the most discerning – but that’s what counts. Even a little bit of Asian blood is enough to earn the hatred of people who care enough to make the distinction. Even Asian women have done this to me.

So “white passing” happy-go-lucky Hapas who try to deny these issues, yet probably are the most arrogant little friendless shitheads in real life, or are so deeply damaged at a core level yet whose egotism doesn’t allow them to admit it, or are closeted homosexuals, or are passive aggressive little pricks who balk at the idea of being called Asian, or those obsessive types who just love comparing themselves to Keanu Reeves, and never any other celebrity – don’t take their word seriously.

How would they know?

Want to know just how right I am? Next time you meet a Hapa, just tell him to his face that he looks full Asian and watch his reaction.

 

“There were a few half-Asian kids in my high school. The girls did fine. The boys did not. I have for decades thought that if a white and Asian had a kid, the kid should be female. If male, he’s looking at being in Hell.”

Saw these comments on my blog posted elsewhere on the web.

Asian women preferring white men, and outright rejecting men of their own race, is strange and even seems unnatural, but I’m not a psychiatrist or anthropologist. I would think that people would instinctively prefer their own race/ethnicity for group association and especially bond-pairing and having children. Could this behavior be considered a mental illness? How much of this is learned behavior (e.g., social programming/conditioning) and how much is biological or instinctive?

You guys seem to underestimate the psychological toll of being mixed race, and also having WMAW shoved in your face. Think it emasculates Asian men? It fucks us up more.

What’s the problem here? You know for a fact for so many Asian women to openly despise Asian men, that there’s something going on. So why would your own sons be different?

Because you’re a “good father?” Because you encourage them to “work out?” Because Asian men have never worked out before?

By oversimplifying it you guys really, really, REALLY took a huge gamble. The next few decades should be interesting.

You guys missed the big point: Asian women are actively rejecting Asian men in droves, both in Asia and the West. Why on earth do you think this can be surmounted with petty advice? Will or will not your own son be Asian?

I can believe a chunk of it – and how it could possibly screw someone up.

As I laid it out for Quartermain on my blog, nobody actually knows the mental processes and social background of those girls who chase western men. After all: if your mom is nuts, and projects that nuttiness onto you, you’re going to go just a little bit weird and loopy in many ways as a natural consequence.

Which is going to be “interesting” for the children of single mommies. Especially the male children.

There are obviously exceptions, however the examples I know of happen exactly like described. I knew a couple of Thai girls who were half British and they had an amazing time at university living in Australia getting invited everywhere and talked to by both Thai and whites.
One of their brothers came over thinking Australia was welcoming and found himself always tagging along with his big sister because no one wanted to know him on his own.
He dropped out, gained 40kg and moved back in with his parents and is a stoner/gamer.
His sister married a successful Thai businessman and goes to all the big corporate functions as a trophy wife.
He was a nice enough guy, just the whole introverted shy Asian thing is much more attractive in girls than it is in guys.

2009: “Asian/White hapa’s are for the most part really good looking, but they always have weird mental problems for some reason. Anger, depression, it’s always something. Maybe it’s the abusive father and over-subservient mother complex.”

My blog originated in 2014. In 2009 I was at the peak of my “crazy” behavior (i.e. losing 60 pounds in 3 months, having extreme body image issues as a man, and overall attempting to be white).

In 2009, people were already noticing this. If any of the readers here actually went out and met some Hapas, they would start noticing certain patterns.

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Largely – it’s a difficult proposition to navigate the world as a half-Asian child, born under the conditions that white fathers were better than Asians. Look at it from this perspective.

Your half Asian son sees white women laughing at Asian men – then sees Asian women laughing at Asian men – and then sees his own mother married to a white man, and all her friends married to white men.

If my readers think that this line of thought is largely limited to me, or this blog, you’re sorely mistaken.

Any white fathers / Asian mothers who believed that they were truly innocent would be attempting to nip this in the bud now, rather than wait. But in actuality, this is the truth:

These people actually do believe that white men are superior – yet raise half Asian children. The probability of us being resentful of our parents, angry, mentally unbalanced or manic depressive is very, very high.

On Racist White Men with Asian Women; Nicholas Folke

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Above is a picture of Nicholas Folke, founder of some kind of movement to oppose Chinese immigration and multiculturalism in Australia. He has a young Asian daughter. 

At this point I am just putting out these posts to fill the gaps in the search engines for these issues, hence the excessive tagging… for a long time coming. The point of this site is to exist for at least another decade, and my ultimate goal is to make this into the premier website on half-Asian issues, replace all previous discussion of half-Asian issues (e.g., the Kip Fulbeck Camp, Hapavoices, etc.) and so far everything is going according to plan.

I need to reiterate that my dad is racist. He very much hates black people; when buying a Christmas gift yesterday I had to avoid making a certain purchase because I didn’t want to buy a very well known brand owned by a very prominent rapper (now owned by Apple). I went with a lesser known brand because I knew he would never use the aforementioned “black brand.”

My father is also a Holocaust denier, constantly talks about the immigrant crisis in Syria, refers to black people as “the blacks,” so on and so forth. Luckily he’s not a Trump supporter as he believes that Trump is overcome with greed – an anti-Christian principle.

Luckily my dad was never racist against Asians, but apparently there are a lot of white men in relationships with Asian women who hate Asian men even worse. The potential blowback for this is massive.

Anyways, racist white men often times seek out Asian women. Why?

Simple, because:

A) Asian women are well known to defer to white men, rarely to black men.

B) Asian women are known for their “traditional values”; i.e., they love living in white countries, and are outspoken in their hatred for black people and are not notorious as white women (although this is a myth) for sleeping with black men.

C) Like Dylan Roof said, Asians are an “honorable race.” Hence their women are honorable women. The only basis for their “honor” would be their perceived value of whiteness.

D) White men with extreme racist views cannot attract white women; so they go for Asian women, who will forgive their views in exchange for whiter babies, (likely before summarily dropping their husbands, like mother did). The whiter babies will then be raised as white, like Marcus Epstein.

E) The largest irony is that Asians are seen as “genetically the most similar” to whites, (my dad has told me that “East and West are the same”), so the children have a much higher chance of looking white (or in my case, whitish), so it’s essentially killing two birds with one stone.

Do not fall for this! I will make sure this website dominates Google rankings from here on in to ensure that these crimes do not go unpunished! If you know people like this, cut them out of your life, but do not blame the children.

 

The Truth about being a “Beautiful Half-Asian Hapa Baby”

Some random observations:

  • When you have a son, your privilege as a blue-eyed white male is thrown out the door.

Whereas, if your partner were constantly complimenting your blue eyes, your son will not be able to leverage his blue eyes in order to secure a mate. He will instead have to rely on different factors, and since the number of women, including Asian women, who openly favor Asian men, is much lower, this will be damaging to his emotional well-being. For every Asian woman who deliberately rejected Asian men, so forth will your Eurasian son be rejected. My clash with my monumental ego and narcissism, years back, where I was literally obsessed with my looks, sent me into a rage when I was rejected by a white woman for being Asian (I’ve mentioned this many times before).

  • On “beautiful Hapa babies.”

This is by and large a lie. All babies are universally cute, but this does not translate to being an attractive male. A desire for a beautiful baby is essentially on par with having a pet; hence you see many divorced Asian women (divorced largely because of their insane behavior, like my mother’s, wherein the child is part of a fantasy) using their children as status symbols. My mother constantly showed me off to her siblings and mentioned my tall nose and deep eyes whereas ostracizing my father, but again, this does not translate to necessary success in the future; it is borderline narcissism wherein the love for the child is not love per se, but love as long as [qualifications] exist.

If you do a youtube search for “half asian babies” you will find a number bragging about how their children have blue eyes; despite this being impossible, the idea that such white worship is prevalent is extremely, extremely troublesome.

My case was unusual. My mother seemed to like my brother more than me despite him being black haired, black eyed. She Tiger Mommed him more than me, but less cruelly; I began to think that it was because I was either born via C-section or because I didn’t look like her, or even some kind of resentment towards me. My memory doesn’t go back that far so I can’t figure out the reason for this yet.

On “beauty;” In fact, any person who will want to make the distinction (i.e., a person who doesn’t like Asians) will not differentiate between full Asian and half, even if you don’t look Asian. Go on any website discussing white looking Eurasians like Adam Smith or Cary Fukunaga, and the comments are there.

  • I’ve come across many Hapas who complained of feeling embarrassed while walking with their parents. I have experienced this too, but moreso, more when walking with my father (as my mother is dead).

Regardless of their intentions, (and I know my parents’ were bad), the assumptions made that my father was an Asiaphile, a loser, or couldn’t get a white woman are there. In my case, they were true, but I don’t think most people bother to differentiate when it’s so common. Obviously, there will be exceptions to this rule, particularly among less intelligent Hapas, like my brother. 

  • It’s frankly impossible for a Eurasian to not notice the interracial imbalance unless they come from entirely white states.

I think many Eurasians that you meet on the street, especially the tall, good looking ones, tend to favor White women (if they can) out of a subconscious rejection of the “white-fever” and “yellow-fever” they are associated with by extension, in any major American city. Another thing could be their rejection of their Asian side, as it is obvious to them that looking Asian is frankly a death sentence. Part of me thinks that Eurasian women do this too, mostly out of a repugnance for their own mothers… if you go read some of the comments on this blog, there are a ton of Eurasian girls complaining about emotional abuse from their mothers.

 

“Real Life with A Japanese Wife”

My cliff notes:

  • Asian women that refuse their own men are probably not the best people, by the same rule of thumb that men of other races operate on (e.g., most black men would despise a black woman who hated black men; most white men would despise a white woman who hated white men). Even the Asian women who post here married to white men reveal “telling” character issues.
  • This is all well and dandy except the marriage results in children who grow up with parents who never actually liked each other and were together for the sake of convenience or fetishism. On top of that we’re constantly reminded that Asian men, which we are, failed to be seen, even by Asian women, as worthy of existing.

Somebody posted this video on Reddit. Looking through the comments it seems a lot of white men came to an agreement. I didn’t watch all of it, maybe the first three minutes but that’s enough to make my commentary.

White men falsely perceive Asian women as being more morally sound. This is incorrect because any morally sound woman wouldn’t idealize the men of another race. This isn’t racist. This is saying that in a moral ideal, races wouldn’t have different values; most men are way too egotistical and / or naive to question the behavior of why a woman likes them.

(The issue becomes much more complex when Asian-looking sons are involved, however; hence I am forced to think about these things while my father is not.)

White men go through their entire lives not overtly being hit on by women, and then an Asian woman does it and they don’t see red flags; despite a decade of being verbally humiliated by my mother (taking his gifts and throwing them against the wall, for example), he still believes her to be an angel because of her “traditional values”.

I’ve been hit on by women of all races. It’s actually fairly common (or was when I was younger, probably not so much now, there is, in my case, a truth to Eurasian beauty; not so much in the case of others). So I understand that women have something called autonomy – they don’t sit around waiting for a “good guy” with XXXXXX bank account to marry.

I’m not talking about approaching women – most men can get dates like that after a certain point in their life after they accumulate enough capital; I’m talking about having certain qualities that make women approach you when you’re young (i.e., looks, good hair, height, narrow-tapered waist and broad shoulders, confidence, non-neurotic behavior).

A lot of white guys go their whole lives never attracting attention from a white woman in the west; they go to Asia and suddenly are approached by Asian women, or are approached by Asian American women, and they think this is indicative of a moral agency, rather than, in objective terms, bias, or even worse, ulterior motives. (By moral agency, I mean that it is assumed that they like “traditional values,” as embodied by a white man).

Most men completely lack the self-awareness and experience to discern between a foreign woman’s “attention” and genuine love, which, if she had been living in her own space for 20-some odd years, would at very least have leveled against a single local guy, at one point in her life.

Anyways, my dad was and is an extreme paleoconservative. But it doesn’t have anything to do with his politics. There was no way in hell he could ever have landed a white woman; to this date he is unable to make prolonged eye contact with most other people. He mistook my mother’s affection for him as a sign of morality when in fact it was his height and blue eyes that were the draw.

Their entire marriage was a hell of death threats, separate bedrooms, swinging knives, verbal abuse, sexlessness, and yet he still couldn’t see it. He couldn’t imagine that a woman that scorned her own race of men wasn’t exactly sane.

The reason he didn’t know this was because he has never been with an Asian woman who liked her own men or a woman who liked Asian men; I am, and the differences are staggering. She adores children, is traditionally beautiful by Chinese standards, constantly gets complimented on her looks, and told me when we first went out that she “would never had said yes were I not half Chinese,” and that her primary qualification for a partner was “stability” and a “stable life.” I’ve also noticed in my life that the women interested in me had a tendency towards real beauty (not just mini-skirt hotness) and came from “normal” backgrounds; i.e., Jewish women, Caribbean immigrants, Indian, Mexican and Polish immigrants.

This is exactly a contrast to a woman who wants “a foreign husband,” because this entails a fantasy about what life with a foreigner is like, and when the fantasy proves to be different from her mental ideal, she will exhibit the childish, psychotic behavior that made her unable to differentiate between fantasy and reality in the first place.

Of course I expect the collective IQ of the “yellow fetishists” who read this blog to be too low to understand this post, so I leave you with the warning that being a piece of shit and marrying a piece of shit is fine.

The problem is that your son will be half-Asian and the ball is up in the air after that.

“My Parents Were Not Like That! They Were in Love!”

I’m sure they were, and I’m not being sarcastic. I mean it.

It’s convenient though that love appears to be so color-centric.

Was your mother escaping poverty? Was she too unattractive to find a decent Asian male? If so, yes, it may very well be, and is love.

My mother wasn’t. She deliberately sought out a white male. There are millions of these women and they don’t merely just pass along through life and die; they create children.

I had the privilege of seeing exactly what happens when a woman seeking the All American Prince Charming and the White Picket Fence lifestyle got stuck with a balding office worker and an eight hundred square foot apartment nowhere near a subway line.

Love no longer became a delusion of mine. Pray tell me – assuming white dad was no longer able to provide mom with the fantasy of whiteness and American inclusion – would she still love him?

Mine didn’t. In fact, love wasn’t even there when they first met, and there wasn’t enough money to keep the “love” balloon inflated for more than a few years.

Why Politics Mean Nothing to a Eurasian

Why do Asian women love white men? Is it because Asian men are unattractive? Is it because Asian men are patriarchal assholes?

The answer is that it doesn’t matter; the outcome is the same. A Eurasian male. Having children and giving them a good life goes well beyond being able to have mutual attraction and having sex; and even if the mutual attraction is structured as such because of biological or political reasons, the fact remains that the child is still stuck with the outcome of being an Eurasian male (and more often than not, an ASIAN LOOKING MALE) born to a man and woman who cared little for the issues of Asian men. 

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Why K-Beauty Matters (to Me) (Why Asian women are Sadists)

Asian women are sadists.

I say this because it dawned on me literally how unequivocally evil they must be to wish, despite never admitting it to their children, that their children do not look like them. You really think that the majority of Hapas don’t notice that way that Asian women throw themselves at white men? You think her own son won’t notice?

The idea that Hapas are beautiful is pushed on us, by none other than Asian women and white men. We did not choose this – and it dawned on me that there are women out there that really do savagely hate the Asian appearance.

They value above all things a whiter appearance.

A link from an attractive Asian woman named Jude Chao saying that she literally hated herself.

http://fiftyshadesofsnail.com/2015/09/13/why-k-beauty-matters-to-me/

Comparing myself to the Caucasian girls around me, I felt unfixably ugly, unfixably wrong. Largely ignored but sometimes taunted and sometimes rejected by boys of every ethnicity, I felt unfixably ugly, unfixably wrong. And looking at the images of Caucasian women that dominated the media and shaped my perceptions of beauty and femininity, I most definitely felt unfixably ugly, unfixably wrong.

Now, after her son is born – she somehow is getting over it, but the lasting legacy of hatred remains, and will be passed onto her son. She is scrambling to come to terms with it now, only after her son is born, only after she was impregnated by a white man.

And despite it all, despite her saying that she does want her son to go through the same thing, her son sees his Asian appearance, and on top of that, sees that his very own mother, thought that white males and white appearance was superior.

And does she think it? Is she deep down really happy that her son looks less Asian than her?

How fucked up these people are and I feel sorry for their children. It took me 25 years to come to terms with my Asian appearance and it wasn’t better because I was half white. It was worse. I knew for a fact that my mother didn’t want Asian men. I knew for a fact that all the women around me including the ones in my own family didn’t want Asian men.

Asian women literally breed mental illness (unless their kids are totally white looking, like Nathan Adrian, then they’re just spiffy; or unless ironically the mother is a Philipino gold-digger who doesn’t hate Asian men but just married CLEARLY for the god damned money and green card).

If you’re hapa don’t have issues, you either look totally white, are a freak of nature at 6’7″, have by some miracle a mother who married for money and not out of white-worship, or are lying.

Fifty Shades of Snail

Over the past couple of years, I’ve done a pretty good job of keeping my voice of reason shut away in the padlocked basement of my mind. Sometimes, though, usually late at night when I’m trying to choose between one of my many, many essences or serums or lovingly leafing through the hundreds of sheet masks in my collection, a muffled voice drifts up to the surface of my consciousness and asks timidly: Why does it matter? Beyond the therapeutic effects of my meticulously curated many-step skincare routine, what is it about K-beauty that has held my attention for so long?

The answer finally came to me last night. When it did, it made so much sense that I knew I had to share it with you all. Maybe I’ll find I’m not the only one who feels the way I do.

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