The Asian Female / White Male Dynamic Broken Down from the Inside (I.e., From a Eurasian Son Viewpoint)

Since this blog is quite long I figured I would reiterate my experience as the son of an Asian mom and White father. If you have similar experiences please contribute to this thread.

I will break this down sequentially.

  1. My mother had a poor relationship with her father, who was physically abusive to his children; she also had a background of poverty wherein the grandfather quite literally beat all of the children with a cane in the case of them doing poorly in school.
  2. She threw herself at my father on meeting him in a university setting; he was tall and blue eyed with red hair. So in other words, she had a white-fetish.
  3. Father was a nebbish, soft-spoken “Asiaphile” with a degree in East Asian studies and multilingual in Asian languages.
  4. Father believed mother was “God’s gift from heaven.”
  5. My brother was born, then I was born via C-section, after which my mother received a blood infusion with blood tainted with Hepatitis (which would ultimately prove fatal).
  6. Up until the marriage and the time after that I don’t recall since I was too young.
  7. Brother looked distinctly more Asian than me, with black hair.
  8. Mother began to “Tiger Mom” my brother and focus all of her attention onto him; I suspect this is because he looked more Asian.
  9. I was allowed more liberties in terms of sports, video games, social activities; brother was mostly friendless.
  10. I began to act out at a young age, acting violently and anti-socially; possibly as a way to get attention from my mother who seemed to devote time to brother (possibly because she felt little connection with me, because of the C-section or because I looked less like her)
  11. My mother gradually grew sicker and with this more anger at my father’s racism (she called the police on him), as well as his inability to provide (was making roughly 40,000 to 50,000 a year against her siblings’ husbands who were making millions), as well as his cultural ineptitude and unwillingness to take a strict mentality with the children. Her fantasy of a tall white man became a reality of being married to a balding white guy – the exact type of guy who marries Asian women in the first place.
  12. Mother repeatedly hit my brother and I with various items, coat hangers, rulers, etc.
  13. Mother confiscated our toys repeatedly, punishing us with more and more severity.
  14. Towards the end of her life grew extremely resentful and hateful towards my father, constantly badmouthing him to me, criticizing everything from his eating habits to his appearance, and refused to allow us to go with him to his home state in the event of her death. Near the end she had a full blown hatred of him and refused to even see him while on her deathbed; she died alone.
  15. Died. I did not cry at her funeral although my brother did. I was laughing. This followed by 12 years of nightmares involving my mother returning.
  16. Brother having been primed to be accepted into a single top ranked school his entire life, was rejected despite my mother’s promises and efforts. His mental state collapsed.
  17. Unable to function without mother’s intervention he locked himself in his room for an entire year.
  18. After this became hooked on meds, institutionalized and spent $150,000 on mental health services despite doctors saying nothing was wrong with him.
  19. Effectively destroyed his entire brain with medicine and is no longer recognizable as a person; has worn the same shirt for 11 years. Schizophrenic as well as violent breakdowns at work in which the police were involved.
  20. My story was effectively increasingly paranoid, hatred of my Asian appearance, shame, involvement in white supremacist groups, extreme weight loss and weight gain in order to alter my appearance to be more white, etc.

Sticky: Asian Women and White Men: Why the Mental Health of Hapa Sons and Daughters of White Men and Asian Women Needs to be Addressed, and Why You Should Reach Out to Hapa People.

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I changed the above picture for fear of doxxing. Use this blog as an example of how troubled Hapas can be, some worse than others. I wrote this essay about two years ago, at the peak of a very, very damaging breakdown. Since then, thanks to a supportive community and a (now large) group of Eurasians putting their brains together, I have transformed this blog into a rational discussion of the dangers of hatred, the reality of race relations even in romance, and even discovered the source of why I was so crazy; my older posts (if you go back to the beginning) can be used as a representation of the kind of damage that was done to my mind, and the kind of psychosis that can be found in mixed young men and women without proper intervention. If I hadn’t started this blog, I would likely now be dead or imprisoned, and ironically by writing I found the source of the very unsettling problems I had no more than two years ago; hence I won’t change the title. If you don’t believe that I am Hapa, continue reading. I try to present the issues as honestly as I can.

I am a formerly well liked, handsome, outgoing, popular, Dartmouth educated Eurasian man born to a Chinese mother who sought out marriage into the powered WASP class – but then realized too late that the man she married was an underemployed, emotionally damaged, meek, conspiracy theorist male – and she essentially killed herself. At around age 20 I encountered anti-Asian racism and due to inheriting my father’s entitlement to the world, I was unprepared to deal with it; I am emotionally unstable, self-loathing, addicted, underemployed, have strong intimacy issues, and unable to form proper relationships due to my self-hatred instilled on me during the first 20 years of my life. Unlike other Eurasians who find self-esteem in underpaid modeling jobs, my self-implosion has been broadcast to the world to the point that I am internet famous. I am not afraid to be as viciously honest as I need to be in order to speak on the reality of this world.

If you don’t think this website is valid – go to Reddit.com/r/hapas, which received 9 million views in 2 years, and 1.1 million views in the first month of 2017. Also – find half Asians with Asian fathers and compare their behavior to those with Asian mothers. 

Iimage1-5magine being raised by two racists – your own parents. Your own mother wanted a white man, yet here you are – a half Asian, a man who looks very Asian. Except you have a white father. Is it possible to raise a healthy child considering the loaded, white-worshipping nature of yellow fever and white fever? How can a biracial child be expected to be normal if he looks Asian, and the entire basis of his parents’ relationship was that the man not be Asian? How can Asian women outmarry at such high rates, have an open ‘white fetish,’ and expect Asian looking sons to be emotionally well adjusted?

In short: I am the son of a foreign born Asian woman from Hong Kong who deliberately married a tall (6’3″, skinny), red-haired, blue eyed, bearded white man. She, like many Asian women, sought out a man who had a “Western” background so that she could feel integrated into her new home, and better than her fully Asian peers. She was by and large mentally ill, violent, abusive, cruel towards my father when he wasn’t making enough money, extremely controlling, and had self-image issues, changing her entire appearance to “look white.” She did not and never did love my father, and only used him because he was white; their entire marriage was violent, loveless, and calculating.

This man was interested in Asian culture and married because he was socially unable to marry a white woman due to his political beliefs and personality quirks (he is very socially conservative, a Holocaust denier and anti-Semite, extremely homophobic, very shy, not many friends, belief that white women are too liberated, extremely meek and unable to make eye contact with others, steps off the sidewalk when larger men approach, unwilling to work or make money for fear of violating Christian scripture).

I was raised largely as a white child, yet turned more Asian in appearance with age. I was raised in an environment that had an undercurrent of anti-Asian male racism (America), saw Asian women (including almost all of them in my own family) throw themselves at white men (the majority of whom are racists, Republicans, or short and or meek), and also an over-current of false Eurasian myths about beauty and intelligence. I subconsciously always believed myself to be “less” because my own mother and her sisters all were married to white men and adamantly denied I was Asian for a decade. 

My parents’ relationship was loveless, violent and broken due to her disillusionment with my father after ten years as he failed to make enough money, and grew balder and fatter and no longer lived up to the White male Prince Charming she had wanted (separate bedrooms, forced to sleep on the couch, extreme violent fighting). My brother and I suffered extreme psychological and physical abuse (beaten with coat hangers by our mother, Tiger Mommed, had her threaten to kill herself with a butcher knife in front of us, threatened to crash the car with us in it while driving at 90 mph), and her behavior became worse and worse as she realized that her white husband wasn’t making as much money as her brother and sister, who both married Chinese partners. This is a story of someone who was very sick, and in recovery.

When I got older, despite the fact that society told me that I was “unique” for being Eurasian, I was treated with contempt by both white people AND Asian people; Asian women would often express disgust at me for being Asian (scowling at me on the street, or smirking), and white people would constantly remind me that I was Asian in a way to demean and undermine me. This caused me to self implode from a popular, outgoing Eurasian to becoming a recluse and suicidal.

Two years after writing the below, I am leaving it word for word, as I wrote it, as proof of how I felt and feelings I still struggle with as a male of Asian heritage who clearly looks Asian, born to a mother who thought of Asian men as beneath her. I am highly educated, formerly well liked, popular, handsome, out going  and like many Eurasians I burned out in my twenties with the realization that people, even Asian women, hate my Asian side, so now I’ve turned my talents towards exposing the last bastion of White supremacy in the world as candidly as I can. I am literally dissecting White male / Asian women couples and the Eurasian identity to a degree that nobody else ever has.

I actually moved to China (which saved my life) in order to escape racism and feelings of inferiority – and was shocked on learning that my own mother (and many other Chinese) had moved to America in order to find the American dream – a dream that hated me for my Asian blood. 

highly recommend that any potential parent to half-Asian children make sure that they are marrying on a clean slate – with zero fetishism, zero white-worship, and zero undertones of racial hierarchies – and that they be completely honest about this, to avoid sending more young man down the path that I went.

I am doing this for every single half-Asian kid out there who has committed suicide, thought about suicide, suffered from racism, isolation, outcasting, and had two parents whose entire relationship was nothing but lust, selfishness, even hatred – leaving us with nothing but perpetual isolation. The world does not care about Hapa males if you look average or even a little bit Asian. The world – even Asian women, who truly believe that they are white – only care about whiteness and white men.

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The Relationship between White Men and Asian Women is based on petty lies

To this day, my father still believes that my mother loved him and was a good person; he tried to show me their love letters stuffed in plastic bins in the basement of some refurbished farm house in some shit redneck state. This was despite the fact that, during my talk last month with my aunt, who is some kind of CFA or VIP at a top investment back, admitted that they “should never have gotten married.” I sat down with an Asian woman (married to a Chinese man) who employs a thousand people, and told her to her face, that my mother and father got married for fetishes; and when prompted she *told me, her nephew* that white men who marry Asian women “do so because they want to feel powerful.”

She also told me that my mother weighed around 70(!) pounds when she appeared in mid-July, on Central Park West, to meet my other aunt, to literally complain about my father. I think the story goes like this: my father had somehow quit his job or denied some kind of benefit 1-2 years before my mother died. I don’t remember exactly (though it’s only been a month) and she was sick at the time, and she had been in such distress that she called my other aunt (also married to a white male) to meet outside Central Park, and was wearing a down winter coat in July(!). My aunt was shocked to see her. Within a year my mother was dead… the story goes was that she was crying profusely on her death bed, begging my aunt to not allow my father to take me back to his state and also begging her family to take care of us, my brother and I. How she loved us so much.

All for a white man. All for a white man. All for a white man.

And thus this is how the story goes:

My mother approached my father during one of her language classes in university. By no surprise he was 6’3″, redhaired, and I guess unknown to her, borderline Aspergers. She valued his race. Of course she did.

“There’s no way she could have know what he was like,” you’ll say. Of course not. But if she had married a Chinese man, she could have know exactly what the guy was going to be like. Or at least had a general idea.

So she married a white man on the principal that he was white. And my father fell for petty lie number one: that it was for his person, not his race.

So for white men reading this; you essentially married a woman whose only interest in you was on the basis that you are white. “No it wasn’t.” Petty lie number one. “Oh, Asian men are controlling, Asian men are misogynistic.” Yet all the white men they marry and sleep with are 6’2″+ and they can’t keep their mouths shut about how physically inferior Asian men are behind closed doors.

Then I, the son, and my brother, was born. And we were told, from birth, that it’s all about embracing Chinese / Asian culture. Petty lie number two. Culture became irrelevant as soon as the father’s physical characteristics were the number one deciding factor. How dare this woman tell me that I am Chinese when she betrayed everything Chinese in taking a white man into her bed.

We were also encouraged to study hard and make a lot of money and play violin and avoid video games and parties; but why? My father didn’t make a lot of money. In fact, it became apparent as I entered high school and college that being white was the key to having sex, having girls, having love, even. Petty lie number three.

My mother set the precedent for us; she said that being white was all that matters; even if she didn’t say it directly.

Petty lie number four: The marriage was a loving one. It never was about love. It was about genes. It was about height and fair coloration and race. It was about race entirely from the beginning. And when the fantasy started to fade, when this 40 year old woman realized she had married an illogical loser who valued his own fantasy and romance about life and God and meaning, decided to give up his job, in order to escape whatever soul-sucking thing he felt was sucking his soul, she started to go nuts. She showed up in Manhattan wearing a fur coat in July, weighing less than a child. This woman from a family of multimillionaires. She hadn’t married her prince Charming. She had married a human being, the same white human being that white women never wanted.

It was a lie from the beginning and I expect any white male in a sexless marriage to a cold, conniving Asian woman, with two slacker or “weird” Asian male sons (despite them pretending they’re well adjusted for their white daddies), to be able to relate.

“Oh, but my white husband and I are not like that. My Asian wife and I are not like that.”

And I reply with: how would you know? You’ve been lying to each other from the beginning.

Raising Eurasian / hapa sons

1) Your son at one point in his life will be discriminated against. Ironically he will be discriminated for his Asian blood, the very thing his mother wanted diluted.

2) At one if not several points in his life he will be turned down or feel rejected because of his appearance. He will then see that his own mother preferred white men. What will you do to circumvent this problem if it is based in truth?

3) Your son will likely feel confused with your lax parenting against his mother’s Tiger Momming. This needs to be carefully monitored as he will see that his father needed only be white to get married, while his mother reinforces that he needs to be studious and hard working in order to succeed. He will be highly prone to burning out.

4) I expect you to be in a sexless marriage after the children are born. My father was the same. The nagging will become more and more aggressive and focus will largely be on money. Arguments will lead to internal conflict in the child.

5) Your son will internalize white supremacy at least once in his life because he sees the dynamic of colored woman preferring a white male; this needs to be monitored but again since it is true there will be little to steer him from this path.

6) The only positive outcome is if the child is tall, good looking, completely non Asian in appearance, but even still the chances of him resenting you are high. If he perceives Asian women as abandoning Asian men he will undoubtedly form negative opinions about Asian women that will include his own mother.

7) Since many women who display preferences for men outside their race demonstrate the classic traits of unreasonable fantasizing, delusions of foreign lifestyle, pursuit of status and monetary gain, and unstable mental states, it is more than likely that 5-10 years after marriage your relationship will dissolve, if it hasn’t already (i.e., cheating). Since her entire basis for liking you was that you were not an Asian man, and that you have white blood, then the relationship indeed relies entirely on the fantasy of you providing her the childlike dream she desired.